The Lund Family

Super Bowl Party!

2012-02-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

So, we don't really watch sports. We just don't get into them. But we really wanted to have a Super Bowl party because the food is so wonderful. So we found a couple friends who also didn't care about watching a football game and had them over for card games and yummy treats.

So this was our spread (before adding our friends' twice baked potatoes and spicy wings!). At the end of the night, the salad and vegetables were pretty much untouched... Anyway, here are the recipes I used.

Baked Jalapeno Poppers

Ingredients:
10 fresh jalapeno peppers, halved lengthwise; stems, seeds, and membranes removed
1 T jalapeno seeds
8 oz neufchatel cheese, at room temperature
5 oz grated mozzarella cheese
1/2 t ground cumin
1/2 t cayenne pepper, or less, to taste
1/2 C wheat flour
2 eggs
2 T milk
1 C panko bread crumbs
8 t Essence, recipe follows

*Essence (Emeril's Creole Seasoning):
2 1/2 t paprika
2 t salt
2 t garlic powder
1 t black pepper
1 t onion powder
1 t cayenne pepper
1 t dried oregano
1 t dried thyme

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350F. Line a baking sheet with foil and spray with cooking spray.
In a bowl, cream together cheeses, jalapeno seeds, cumin, and cayenne pepper.
In a shallow dish, combine flour and 2 t of Essence. In a small bowl, beat together the eggs, milk, and 2 t of Essence. In another dish, combine the bread crumbs and 4 t of Essence.
Spread 1 T of the cheese mixture into the middle of each jalapeno half. (Reserve any leftover filling for cheese ball.) One at a time, dredge in the flour, dip into the egg mixture, then dredge in the breadcrumbs, pressing to coat. Place the coated peppers, cut side up, on the prepared baking sheet and bake until the filling is runny and the crust is golden, about 30 minutes.

Remove from the oven and serve immediately.

Cheese Ball
-Any leftover filling from jalapeno poppers
-8 oz neufchatel or cream cheese
-1 packet ranch mix
-1/3 C chopped pecans

Combine leftover filling, cream cheese, and as ranch mix to taste (I ended up using about 3/4 of the packet). Roll into a ball and roll in pecans until coated. Allow to chill in the refrigerator at least 2 hours.

8-Layer Bean Dip (because we are too awesome to only have 7 layers)

In a 9"x13" spread the following in order:
1 can refried beans
guacamole (made from 3 avocados, garlic salt, and lime juice)
16 oz fat free sour cream (mixed with 1 packet of taco seasoning)
2 tomatoes, chopped
1 can black beans, rinsed and drained
1 can chopped black olives
1 green bell pepper, chopped
6 oz grated cheddar cheese

Salsa con queso (y carne!)
-1 lb lean ground beef
-2 lbs velveeta (or similar) cheese
-2-3 C salsa

Brown beef with taco seasoning. Combine beef, cheese, and salsa in crock pot. Cook on high 30-60 minutes, stirring occasionally, until thoroughly melted.

We're Having Another....

2012-01-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

GIRL! She's measuring well and looking good. I'm so excited that Bekka will have a little sister to play with, especially since there will probably be a bigger gap between #3 and #4 (to give my body a break -- 3 kids in under 4 years is hard on a woman's body). Part of me is relieved, but I do want to have another boy some day.

We're all healthy and happy, and Bekka has no idea that her days as the only child at home are numbered. And now, the great name debate begins...

Our Big Announcement!

2011-11-15T17:39:00.000-07:00

Well, you probably don't need any explanation, but here it is: we're going to have another baby! Baby #3 is due on June 13, about a month before Bekka's second birthday. We are so excited, and I'm glad that people will now understand why I've been so tired and sick lately. I'm just hoping that I get over all this morning sickness before Thanksgiving!

We're Back!

2011-10-17T09:22:00.000-06:00

Well, we're back in Provo, settled (ish) into our new apartment, and finally have internet! Except for the carpeted kitchen and bathroom, we really like the place. Our ward is different than what we are used to, but we like it and are starting to make friends. I just got called as Primary secretary and am still trying to get into the swing of things. Jeffrey was extended a calling yesterday, but I'll wait until he's sustained to tell anyone (I think that's what you're supposed to do).

Jeffrey is taking two classes and working in the research lab. He usually has an 8-5 day, and then gets to come home and play with Bekka and me. Bekka is such a daddy's girl. Whenever he's home, she wants to be sitting right next to him and doing whatever he's doing. She calls him "ya-ee", even though she can say "d" just fine. The cutest is when he is either working in the back room or taking a shower, and she will go knock on the door, saying "ya-ee?" until he comes out. Her other words are "tayh-to" (thank you) and "boh" (boo). She does the sign for "please" whenever she wants milk, or whatever we are eating (especially when Jeffrey eats ice cream). She used to do the signs for "more" and "milk" but she hasn't done them in a while. Usually to ask for milk specifically, she finds her cup and holds it up to you -- so she's pretty good at communicating.

She is a climber! She usually just climbs up on the couches, which is fine. Sometimes she will climb onto the end table, which scares me, especially when she stands up on it. One day, she pushed her box of diapers over to the piano and used it to climb onto the bench so she could hit the keys. I'm so glad she's musical, but wish she wasn't so good at climbing! Speaking of musical, she likes to sing at church, and usually starts waving her arms through the air as if she were leading the music. It's pretty cute.

A few weeks ago, we had our crazy week: General Conference, Jeffrey's birthday, and Riley's angelversary. We were able to go to the temple together on Riley's day, and it was so wonderful to feel the peace and comfort that filled our hearts.

We took Bekka on her first hike -- to Stewart Falls. She loved it, because she got to sit in a hiking pack carrier and try to grab leaves overhead. It was the first time I've been hiking since getting married, and let me tell you, two pregnancies really set me back! But I made it, and felt a pretty big sense of accomplishment.

Well, now that we're hooked up to the internet again (six months without it was seriously too long!), I'll be blogging more often. For now, I've got to go clean up after Tropical Storm Bekka!

Bekka's First Baseball Game

2011-08-07T18:48:00.000-06:00

Last night, we were able to attend GE Employee Night at the Aces Ballpark in Reno. We weren't originally planning on going, but Jeffrey's friend had a conflict come up, so he gave us there tickets. It turned out to be so much fun!

We all dressed up in red (I even painted my nails red) because we wanted to be all team-spirited. We just assumed red was the color because of the mascot (which happens to be the world's ugliest mascot, in my opinion).The Aces colors are red and navy, but I guess when they're playing the Redbirds, it's better to go with navy.

So here's a picture I found of the Aces' mascot, Archie. We were joking about what it was supposed to be, because it really just looks like a giant red blob that jiggles its belly from side to side. Then we found this article. Turns out, it really is supposed to be a "big red blob" who has been "living deep in the mountains of Reno for years waiting for a true baseball team to call his own." So incredibly special. And truly, the ugliest mascot ever. He's only not on this list of the "11 Best, Ugliest Mascots in Sports" because it was made almost a year before Archie was "unveiled." He may be ugly, but he made us laugh.

Bekka really wanted to sit in the seat by herself, so I took this picture before the game started. We got there earlier than we anticipated, but it turned out to be a good thing because the first 2,500 people get a special gift. Last night, the gift was a miniature replica of the ballpark. I really don't know what you would do with one of those, but we each got one. We gave the extra one to our friends who showed up a little later. So at the beginning of the game, they announced the night's "Gelato Lotto" -- which is something that if it happens, everyone in the stadium gets a certificate for free gelato. So last night, the Aces had to score at least 7 runs and win the game. In the fourth inning, they got a grand slam and three more runs, which added to their one run in the second inning brought the score to 8-2. We were all so excited, because we were all but guaranteed that gelato! Then the Redbirds got 6 runs in the seventh inning, and the score was 10-10. We were worried we wouldn't get it after all. But in the bottom of the 8th, the Aces got three more runs, and kept the Redbirds from getting any during the ninth inning! So as we left the stadium, we each got a certificate for free gelato (which we are going to redeem this week!!)

Bekka and Mommy having fun!

Piggyback ride to the car.

So with our tickets came two $5 vouchers that could be used anywhere in the stadium. Since I'm morally opposed to spending $5 on a glass of lemonade, or a single hot dog, I decided to go to the gift shop. Jeffrey also gave me the $15 cash he had in his wallet. I mostly wanted to get something for Bekka, but even the baby hats and shirts were at least $20. Then I saw this soft bat and ball that I thought Bekka would love. Then I found the sandals and got them in Jeffrey's size (although I could probably get away with wearing them too since I have pretty big feet). I had just enough left to get the keychain for me (since I collect keychains) and even got back 23 cents. I didn't have my wallet, so I really couldn't go over the $25. I'm pretty good at getting as close to my spending limit as possible. I'm not sure how good of a talent that is, but it has proven useful in the past.

Bekka loves her new toys!

Well, it was a really fun night (even if it threw off Bekka's schedule because she stayed awake for the whole game) and I'm glad we got a chance to go. One more thing crossed off our summer bucket list. We've only got two and a half weeks left, so we've got to make the most of it!

Am I Still Me?

2011-07-29T00:56:00.001-06:00

Growing up, I had quite the reputation for my unbelievable lack of coordination and athleticism. I was constantly tripping, especially on stairs. It was so bad, I spent years having to watch the ground when I walked. And sports -- I was ridiculously terrible, not to mention accident prone.

(Softball: caught a pop fly with my collar bone; tripped on the way to first base and sprained both my wrists. Basketball: caught a rebound with my face and my eye swelled shut. Cement hockey: took the ball right over my mouth a week after getting braces. Soccer: blocked a stellar pass with my stomach, fell over, and couldn't breath. Football: caught a pass with my head, and I wasn't even playing. Volleyball: got hit in the head several times, couldn't ever serve or hit the ball, and always got picked last in PE and at mutual. Shotput: almost dislocated my shoulder during track tryouts. Running: besides tripping more times then I could count [once into a puddle of mud], my hands and feet fall asleep and some times I get spots in my vision. Oddly enough, I got my varsity letter in pole vault because I made top ten in league finals [I was one of only 5 girls made it over the 6-foot starting height]. Of course, I did gouge my leg pretty badly with my spikes once.)

So here's the deal. Tonight I played volleyball with some ladies from church (plus Jeffrey and Greg) and had such a blast. I think it was my fifth or sixth time playing with them. It took them about a month to convince me that they really wanted me to play and didn't care if I was completely useless. And they were all so supportive the first night I went. I'm still one of the weakest players, but I've gotten so much better! I feel like I actually help my team. I can serve pretty well, and I don't even close my eyes anymore when the ball comes at me (yes, I really did do that the first couple times I played).

You know what else is weird? About three months ago, I started catching things. I mean, I pretty much always catch whatever is thrown at me. You have to understand, before that, I couldn't catch anything. Ever. Jeffrey always teased me about how unbelievably bad I was at catching. Then one day, I could catch. I know, this doesn't sound particularly mind blowing or interesting, but my lack of coordination was really a huge part of my identity for so long. And then all of the sudden, I can play (and even enjoy) sports.

So tomorrow is the real test to see if I'm still me: I'm going to ride a bike. I know, I know. That's something everyone can do, right? Wrong. I can't tell you how many tumbles I took as a kid. Then after a ten-year hiatus, I tried again in college and just didn't enjoy it. Jeffrey tried to get me to ride with him when we were dating, but I quickly stopped soon after we were married (since I didn't have to impress him anymore, lol!) So I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes. If I can stay on the bike and actually enjoy it, I'll know for sure that I am not the same girl I used to be!

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Bekka's Birthday Bash (and my first church talk as an adult)

2011-07-26T16:30:00.001-06:00

On July 21, Bekka turned one! Her Grandma and Grandpa Lund flew in the night before, then won her over with smoothies on her birthday. As soon as Jeffrey got home, we had a barbecue, then presents and cake.

Bekka took turns getting some smoothie from Grandpa, then Grandma. When Grandpa was done with his smoothie, Bekka took it and was holding it and drinking it all by herself. She sure does love smoothies!

Bekka's first birthday outfit. She's also showing off her nose (one of her newest tricks).

Bekka's second birthday outfit (which made it to her party)

{All about Bekka's cake}

The next day (Friday) we all went up to Reno to have another celebration with Great-Grandma Lund, Jeffrey's Uncle Rick and Aunt Nancy, Jeffrey's cousin Meagan and her boys Fisher, Cooper, and Tucker (Bekka's second cousins), and Jeffrey's Uncle Wayne, Aunt Jenny, and cousin Aleena. Bekka got some fun toys and a lot of cute clothes (including packages mailed from Grandma and Grandpa Kimball, and Grandma and Grandpa McCoy). Of course, she was most interested in all the bags and boxes. On Saturday, we went to Virginia City. Bekka loved walking around, and Jeffrey and I loved visiting the fudge shop (which I cut up into 1 oz. pieces to help us keep from eating too much at once). Afterwards, Bekka got to shop for yarn with Mommy and Grandma Lund.

Bekka's Friday party outfit

On Sunday, Bekka sat with Grandma and Grandpa at church (she didn't even cry!) because Jeffrey and I were giving talks (my first talk as an adult!). After church, we went up to Reno again to have dinner and spend time with the rest of the family. By the time Grandma and Grandpa had to leave Monday morning, Bekka loved reading books with Grandma and blowing bubbles with Grandpa. She was following them around the house hoping they would play with her. And sometime during all the festivities, Bekka switched to almost exclusively walking!

Reading her new touch-and-feel book (her favorite kind) with Grandma

Bubbles with Grandpa! (and a huge mess in the back...)

Her beautiful Sunday outfit (new from Grandma and Grandpa Lund)

Another cute story, today I was reading on the bed with Bekka when she fell asleep. As I often do, I decided to take advantage of this time to get some cleaning done. When I heard her stirring, I hurried to get her before she fell off the bed. Turns out, what I actually heard was her walking down the hall looking for me! My first thought was "Oh no, I wasn't fast enough and she fell!" Then I realized that she hadn't cried, and she didn't seem to have any red marks. So I think she must have gotten off the bed with her feet first. We've been trying to teach her to do that instead of diving off head first. She's never actually fallen before, but sometimes when we are on the bed with her, she starts crawling toward the edge. I'll still try not to leave her alone on the bed for too long, but I can't believe how much she's changing! She's also graduated to a sippy cup (except for her last feeding at night that we let her have in her bottle). My tiny, dependent baby is turning into an able little girl!

Blogapalooza!

2011-07-11T12:53:00.000-06:00

Well, to make up for my lack of happy posts, I've decided to update ALL my blogs with only happy things.

TEMPLE TRIP - June 4

We were able to drive up to Idaho so I could attend my brother and sister-in-law's sealing in the Boise Temple. It was such a beautiful occasion, especially when they brought their little Eli into the sealing room, all dressed in white, and they were sealed as an eternal family. We left Friday evening, as soon as Jeffrey got home from work, got to my dad's about 3am on Saturday, I went to the sealing that morning, we had a big family party Saturday night, we went to Sacrament meeting on Sunday, then drove back to our apartment. We spent about 18 hours in the car (with a very unhappy baby), but it was worth it to be able to share such an incredible day with my baby brother.

CARSON VALLEY DAYS - June 11

We had a great time watching the parade and going to the carnival here in Gardnerville. I was a little disappointed that there wasn't a marching band in the parade. In fact, it was mostly random business trucks blaring music and throwing candy at people. There were a lot of tractors in the parade too. I love small towns. They're so cute. Bekka had no idea what was going on, but she liked being outside with Mommy and Daddy.

VIRGINIA CITY - June 18

Jeffrey took me to see old-fashioned tourist attraction Virginia City. They've kept all sorts of old buildings and it has a very "wild west" feel to it. We even got to take a tour of a mine. But my favorite part was dressing up and taking an "old time photo." I loved wearing that huge hat. I kind of wish I could wear one everyday, but people would think I was crazy. (I'll have to use a scanner when we get back to Utah. For now I just have a picture of the picture, so the quality isn't the greatest.)

FATHER'S DAY - June 19

We actually started celebrating on Friday, so I could make Jeffrey's favorite dinner foods, since we had plans Saturday (with friends) and Sunday (with family). I made Thai curry, sushi, and steak. Jeffrey usually saves his favorite thing for last, so he had a really hard time choosing what to eat first. It was a pretty awesome dinner, if I do say so myself.

I made Jeffrey a card, using a fun picture I took of Bekka (I took several pictures of her standing by a "Happy Father's Day" sign, and sent them out as postcards to her grandpas). Bekka got him a fun little tie that had sayings like "World's Best Dad" and "#1 Dad" all over it. And I got him a picture frame for his work desk with two of his favorite pictures (ones that really show off Riley's and Bekka's personalities).

LAKE TAHOE - June 25

A couple weekends ago, we took Bekka up to Lake Tahoe and had a blast. She loved the sand but hated the icy cold water.

FOURTH OF JULY

We didn't go see any fireworks (we would have had to travel to see them, and Bekka isn't a happy campe when her schedule gets messed up), but we did two very important things -- we ate watermelon and went swimming! Bekka liked watermelon, just like her mommy, but she LOVES swimming, just like her daddy. We had a lot of fun, and Bekka really enjoyed having another day to play with Daddy.

CLIMBING AND WALKING

Bekka's two biggest feats of late are climbing and walking. She's been able to stand by herself for quite a while now, and has even been able to take a couple steps for the past month or so. But this Saturday, she went all out and would walk in stretches of ten steps. And she kept doing it all evening (mostly chasing after Daddy). She also likes to climb (something else she got from her daddy). Her favorite thing to do is put her doll in the stroller then climb up and sit in there too. It's pretty cute, but I still worry that she's going to fall off and get hurt. This picture is from after she climbed into her stroller be herself and sat down. Sadly, I don't have any pictures or videos of her walking yet.

Another Sleepless Night

2011-07-11T00:07:00.001-06:00

Usually, I am a happy and functional woman, despite missing my baby. But this past week has been so much harder than usual. I broke down into tears a few times, and I've been having a hard time sleeping at night. I'm not sure what has been making things so much harder. I wonder if part of it is that Bekka is starting to walk. That probably sounds weird, but it's hard for me when she starts doing things that Riley didn't get to do while he was here. I know I'll get to raise him and watch him learn to walk during the Millennium, but it's hard right now.

Here's a tidbit about me: I hate seeing and hearing ambulances. It brings me back to that night. I can't help but think, they're rushing to save someone's life, but they weren't fast enough to save my baby. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I can't help it.

I feel bad that I haven't written about all the great and happy experiences I've been having lately. I'm not usually such a downer, but I really just needed to get this off my chest.

I am grateful for all the blessings I have in my life, especially my wonderful husband and precious daughter. But it doesn't mean I'm not hurting because someone is missing. I miss my Riley so much. And sometimes all I can do is cry.

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Happy Birthday Riley!

2011-06-01T10:08:00.000-06:00

Today is my anniversary --
The anniversary of the day
I became a mother
for the first time.
It is my son's birthday,
But he's no longer here.
It is a day most bittersweet.
For though his time here
Was shorter than we expected,
planned, hoped, and wanted,
We still celebrate his life
Because he did live --
And while he lived
He brought us perfect joy --
And he will live again!
Our hope is in our Savior
And the promise
of eternal families.
He is our son,
And always will be,
And we will be together again.
We miss him every day,
But on this day
We celebrate his birth --
The day that changed our lives forever.

Two years ago today, we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world. We got to spend four perfect months together before he returned home to our Heavenly Father. We miss him every day, but this week has been harder. But we know that families are forever and we will be with our son again. Yes we are sad, because we do miss him, and often think about what our lives would be like if he were still here. But today we choose to be happy, we choose to celebrate his life and the eternal nature of our family.

Is May Already Over?

2011-05-25T09:54:00.000-06:00

Well, the last month sure has been eventful! Jeffrey graduated, then we packed our tiny car to its fullest capacity and shoved everything else we own into storage. We drove up to Idaho and spent two incredible weeks visiting my family. Then we drove down to Reno where we settled into our new apartment (which we love so much more than our last one and hope to find something like it when we move back to Utah) and Jeffrey started his summer internship at GE. So many wonderful and exciting adventures!

But life is rarely devoid of sorrow. Our friend Steve passed away after a long batle with cancer. And our little Riley's 2nd birthday is coming up next week. Death is a strange thing. I can think of nothing more painful for the people left behind on earth. But for those who have passed beyond the veil, they are reunited with loved ones lost, they are free from the pain and suffering of this world. My heart breaks for Steve's family, and especially for his wife. He never let the cancer keep him from pursuing his life goals, and I know he lived life to the fullest. But I can only imagine how hard a life that was. And now he is free from all the pain and sickness. He fought the good fight, and now he is resting from the tribulations of mortality. He never had the opportunity to serve a full-time mission while here on earth, and I'm certain that he is now working as a missionary in the spirit world.

My own precious Riley has been in the spirit world for over a year and a half. I know he is happy, and surrounded by loved ones. And I'm sure that he, too, has been bringing the glorious message of the gospel to those who never had the chance to hear it. I miss my little man, but I know that he is happy, and I know that he wants us to be happy. And we are. Life is not what we planned, or expected, or wanted, but we have still found joy, because we have faith in our Savior and hope in the resurrection. We are so grateful that we were sealed in the temple and that both our children are sealed to us for all eternity. We will have our Riley again, and we will be able to raise him during the Millennium. My heart leaps with joy at the thought of holding my darling little boy, of feeling his tiny arms wrap around my neck, and hearing him say, "Mommy, I love you."

How I look forward to the day that all this comes true! Our Savior has truly swallowed up the pain of death. Of course I still miss Riley, but I can still love my life. God has blessed me in so many ways, and I trust Him and know that He called our little boy home to heaven for a reason. One day I will know and understand, but for now, I walk by faith.

More Things to Borrow

2011-04-20T22:30:00.000-06:00

We'll be leaving for the summer, so if anybody would like to borrow some of our stuff from now until the end of August, let me know! We have couches, tables, chairs (you can borrow them with or without the matching tables), baby stuff, beds.

Couch #1: Very cute. I already packed the throw pillows, but if you really want to borrow them I can dig them up.

Couch #2: Extremely comfy. Kind of ugly, but you could borrow our coverings too.

Table #1: Nice, round wood table. There are two chairs that match it that you could borrow too. (Note: Food and cook not included =P)

Table #2: Nice, rectangular wood table. Also have two matching chairs that go with it if you want to borrow them as well. (Note: Again, food not included =D)

Chair #1: We have two rolling, swivel chairs that you could borrow. (Sorry, this was the best picture I could find of it... And of course, husband and baby not included, 'cause they're coming with me!)

Chair #2: This arm chair may be ugly (except in Jeffrey's opinion), but it is super comfy.

Chairs #3 and #4: Okay, this was the best picture I could find of both kinds of chairs. We have two of each. The one Jeffrey is sitting on matches the rectangle table. The one in the back matches the round table.

Chair #4: Random picture, I know, but these are the chairs that you can see in the background of the previous picture. I hope this gives you a better idea what they are like.

Winnie the Pooh theme car seat (Graco brand) -- We also have the base attachment for the car and the collapsible stroller that this seat clicks into for easy in and out. It is about 5 years old, but my youngest sister only used it for a couple months, and then we used it for Riley and Bekka. It has never been in any car accidents.

Twin over full bunkbed -- Okay, this is the only picture I have of it, but it really is nice. It is made of solid, sturdy wood, and you could borrow both mattresses. We use it when guests come, and also for storage up above.

Queen mattress, box spring, and bed frame -- I don't have a picture of it, but it's a nice enough set. We got it brand new, and used it for less than two years. Would make a good guest bed if you are planning on having family visit during the summer.

Finding the Bright Side

2011-04-20T12:39:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to be more positive about everything, and one thing that helps is looking on the bright side of things. Sometimes you really have to look to find the bright side, but when you do, it can help you be a much more positive person.

Today I decided to change Bekka on the floor. No changing pad, just baby, diaper, and carpet. During the 2 seconds she didn't have a diaper under her bum, she peed on the ground. "Great," I thought sarcastically. But then I tried to find a bright side. Well, Wymount does send professional carpet cleaners three times a year, so I guess it's okay. Plus we're moving out this weekend, and they'll come in and clean it before the new tenants show up anyway. Alright then, bright side found.

About ten minutes later, I could tell that Bekka had messed her diaper. It took about ten wipes to get the green, mud-like poo cleaned up (I'm kind of disturbed because Bekka doesn't eat green vegetables). I got her in a new diaper and while I was rinsing off the messy one (yes, I have fully integrated into cloth diapering), and in between thoughts of "This is so disgusting" and "maybe I should go back to disposables" I found the bright side: at least she didn't do that during the 2 seconds when she didn't have a diaper on. I would take a little pee on the carpet over mud-poop any day.

It's the Most Busiest Time of the Year

2011-04-17T14:57:00.000-06:00

I really want to get back to my daily spiritual posts, but I have been so busy the past week or so. I probably won't get back to that until we settle down in Nevada. But I did want to write about what we've got going on.

Bekka- What a little ball of energy she is! She is now a pro at crawling all the way across the apartment to follow me wherever I went. She is also a pro at finding every small thing that falls on the floor before I do. She is constantly pulling herself up on things and always wants to be standing. The past week, she has been standing up in her crib when I go in to get her in the morning. She has also started trying to climb on things that she is standing next to. Scary! She "talks" all the time and loves blowing raspberries. I started cloth diapering her, which I love, but I don't think she has any preference. No teeth yet, but I keep hoping!

Kelli- Well, I have been taking care of Bekka, as usual. And trying to cook nice dinners. Oh, and packing. I've been doing lots of that. I gave up on cleaning while trying to pack. Our place is a disaster, and even though we've already taken a carload to storage, and packed up nearly 10 boxes, you can't even tell. Our apartment looks just as full as ever. We'll be moving out in a week, and I don't know how this is all going to get packed up and moved out by then. But I know it will. Somehow.

Jeffrey- He is almost a BYU graduate! Finals started yesterday, and Jeffrey has a few projects to finish up as well. But come Friday, he will officially be a degree-holding alumnus! He's not particularly excited, mostly because we'll be coming right back to BYU in September when he starts his master's program. But I am so excited and so proud of him. He will be earning a B.S. in Computer Science with a minor in mathematics. Way to go honey!

So like I said, this time next Sunday, we'll be leaving good old Wymount and taking off for the summer. We're going to visit my family for a week or so first, then continue on our way to Nevada where we'll spend the next four months. I guess in the real world, apartments don't always come with internet, so I'm not sure how that's all going to work out. At least I'll be able to access it from my phone, and blog from there as well. Maybe I'll just have to take the laptop and find the nearest fast food joint or bookstore with free wi-fi. Well, I'll figure it out when we get there.

Mormon Message Monday: You Will Be Freed

2011-04-11T09:40:00.000-06:00

This is a powerful message about addiction, and how we can be freed from it with the help of the Savior. Most people think of addiction in terms of being addicted to a substance, and of course, this is a big and dangerous part of addiction. But people often forget that we can just as easily become addicted to behaviors or activities. And these addictions may be even more dangerous, for while they may not harm our body, then can destroy our souls. I know that if we have an earnest desire and put our trust in the Lord, he will free us from any and every addiction we may face.

Things to Borrow

2011-04-09T14:48:00.001-06:00

Well, since we'll be moving into a small apartment for our summer internship, we're going to be leaving a lot of stuff in storage. I figured I'd just see if anybody wanted to borrow them while we were gone (May-August). If you're interested, just leave a comment here, or send me an email: kellilund08@gmail.com

Boppy Pillows -- Well, the one on the left is the George brand version, but I used it a lot when Bekka was first learning how to sit because the harness-type attachment kept her from toppling forward.

If you're looking for a couch to borrow, I think this one has a lot of character. You could borrow the throw pillows too if you wanted to.

You could also borrow this couch. It's kind of ugly underneath (you could borrow the coverings we use if you wanted to), but it is super comfy -- I spent the last 2 months of pregnancy sleeping on it.

Not sure if anyone would want to borrow curtains, but if you did, you could borrow ours. They don't really block out the light, but they are thick enough to provide privacy (I think... and hope...). We take down the blinds (and hide them under the couch) and put the curtain rod up where the blinds usually lock in.

Baby swing (holds up to 30 lbs). It has 6 speeds, and several different songs (classical music) and white noise sounds. You can also adjust the volume.

BOOKS -- we have lots of them, too many to list. Some examples are the Wheel of Time series, Sword of Truth series, Lord of the Rings series, Twilight series, most of the Ender series, Children of the Promise series, and lots, lots more (a lot of random ones).

VHS MOVIES -- we have a lot of Disney and other kid movies, as well as other family-friendly, non-cartoon movies.

Scripture Saturday:

2011-04-09T13:24:00.002-06:00

I just restarted the Book of Mormon a couple weeks ago in my personal study, with the intent to pay specific attention to love and charity, especially looking for ways that I can learn to love more purely and completely. In 1 Nephi 11, we read about the interpretation of some of Lehi's dream. It talks about the tree of life being symbolic of God's love. In verses 8, 9, 22, and 23 it describes the tree as the most beautiful, white, precious, desirable, joyous of all things. As I have been contemplating the evidences of God's love in my own life, I know that it is indeed all these things, as well as the true source of hope and happiness in our lives.

Friendship Friday: Real friends share the gospel

2011-04-08T10:32:00.003-06:00

"Living the gospel and being true to gospel principles is the key to true, lasting, triumphant friendship... Real friends share the gospel—the living of it and the loving of it. No stronger bond nor higher compliment can be given from one friend to another." ~Jeffrey R. Holland, "Real Friendship", New Era, June 1998

When I think about the friendships that I have maintained over years and distance, almost all of them are founded on the gospel. These are friends with whom I went to Church, carried out service projects, shared testimony-building experiences. As of today, I have 960 friends on Facebook. But how many of them do I actually talk with and share things with? Aside from family, there are only a few people (friendships founded upon gospel principles) that I talk to. When I think of my closest friends right now, they are people with whom I have served in the Church.

Thankful Thursday: My Eternal Companion

2011-04-07T22:10:00.001-06:00

I guess a good place to start off my thankfulness is with my husband. Everyday, I am so thankful to have him in my life. I am thankful for how he loves me, even when I'm being crazy. I am thankful for how he takes care of me when I am feeling down. I am thankful for how he supports me in my hobbies and interests. I am thankful that he is always understanding if I didn't get any cleaning done during the day. I am thankful that he always makes me feel beautiful. I am thankful for how he motivates me to be a better person. I am thankful for the way he makes me laugh every day. I am thankful for when he cooks dinner for me. I am thankful for when he helps me clean the house. I am thankful when he helps do the laundry. I am thankful for every time he changes the baby's diaper. I am thankful that he is such a hard worker. I am thankful that he knows where he wants to go in life. I am thankful that he plays music in our home. I am thankful that he likes to play music with me. I am thankful that he likes to play games with me. I am thankful that we like to read similar books. I am thankful that we like similar TV shows and movies. I am thankful that he makes Bekka and me his top priorities. I am thankful that he is such an amazing father. I am thankful that he has always done everything he can to make sure I can stay home with our children. I am thankful for his testimony. I am thankful for his willing heart and serving hands. I am thankful for his faithfulness. I am thankful that he is a worthy priesthood holder. I am thankful that he married me in the temple. I am thankful that he is my eternal companion. I am thankful that our love will grow forever.

Womanhood Wednesday: The Enrichment of Humanity

2011-04-06T15:49:00.002-06:00

"Women are not just cooks, stewards of our homes, or servants. They are much more. They are the enrichment of humanity." ~James E. Faust, “The Highest Place of Honor,” Ensign, May 1988

This is an incredible talk, that I will probably be pulling quotes from for the next few weeks. (Fun fact: this talk was given 9 days before I was born!) When my husband comes home from school and work, he often asks me what I did that day. I can't tell you how many times I've racked my brain before finally answering, "I took care of the baby." Sometimes I'll give details: "We went for a walk." or "We read books." or "We sang songs." But I often feel like I didn't accomplish very much at all. If it was a good day I may also have cooked dinner. And if it was one of those super rare great days, I got some cleaning done as well. My daily life can pretty much be summed up in three words: cook, clean, care.

But is that really all I'm good for? I'd like to think not. Somewhere in the monotony of it all, I like to write people "just because" notes and bake goodies to bring around to my friends and neighbors. I'd like to think that I've been able to brighten someone's day. I like to be there for people, to be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. I'd like to think that I have made a difference to someone who was suffering.

And even if you don't stray outside the walls of my home, I know that the whole "took care of baby" thing is a lot more important than it sounds. I spend all day with Bekka; I feed her so she grows up strong and healthy; I take her on walks so she can enjoy the beauty of the earth; I rejoice in her accomplishments so she knows how proud I am of her; I read the scriptures to her so she will know how important they are and will be familiar with them; I sing Primary songs to her so she will learn the plain and simple truths of the gospel that they teach; I play silly games with her so she will know that I desire her happiness; I cuddle with her and tell her I love her so she will know how important she is to me and how much I love her; I choose spending time with her over making three course meals and having a spotless home so she will know that she matters most.

There may be little physical proof of what I do during the day, but in caring for my daughter, in being a friend to others, I truly believe I am enriching their lives, and thus I am helping to enrich humanity. As women, we are the enrichment of humanity. How wonderful that is to hear, especially when so many try to tell us that women in the home contribute little to society. In fact, we are the very foundation of society, for our children are the future. I think next time Jeffrey asks me what I did during the day, I will tell him "I enriched humanity."

Testimony Tuesday: Promised Blessings

2011-04-05T20:40:00.001-06:00

I know that if we live righteously, we will receive all the blessings promised to us, even if we must wait until after this life. I will have the opportunity to raise my son, to watch him grow and develop. And Riley will have the opportunity to find an eternal companion and be sealed for all eternity. It's human nature to want things now, but that's not always God's will for us. I know he has blessed me with patience as I wait for that blessed day when I will be reunited with my son. I know that neither I nor he will be denied any blessings which we live worthy of receiving.

Mormon Message Monday: His Sacred Name - An Easter Declaration

2011-04-04T10:03:00.001-06:00

This video is beautiful and powerful; it brought tears to my eyes.

In our hour of deepest sorrow, we can receive profound peace from the words of the angel that first Easter morning: “He is not here: for he is risen.” (from President Monson's talk, He Is Risen!)

I have always loved Easter, but I didn't understand the true power of its message until our little Riley passed beyond the veil. In our hour of deepest sorrow, we did receive profound peace, for we know that death is not the end. As Christ is risen, so shall our boy rise in the day of the resurrection, having already procured a place in God's presence through the Atonement of our Savior.

What We're Up To

2011-04-03T21:09:00.001-06:00

Jeffrey -- finishing up his last semester as an undergrad! He officially accepted BYU's offer for the master's program, so it looks like we'll be sticking around for a few more years. He's excited for his internship this summer, and I'm looking forward to living somewhere other than Provo for a while.

Kelli -- pretty much just hanging out with Bekka. I get in quite a bit of crocheting, and have been cooking a lot lately. I do just enough cleaning to feel like I did something, but probably not as much as I should.

Bekka -- she is a busy body! She is crawling all over and starting to climb and trying to stand up. Last night, she was in the living room with Jeffrey and I went to go start a bath for her. She started crying for me and crawled all the way to the bathroom. She's a smart cookie! And then in the bath she was splashing around so much, and loving it. Today, Jeffrey had to take out a small bag of trash. She kept looking at the door, then crawled toward it saying "dadada." She got really excited when he came back. It was so cute! She's also "talking" a lot more. Her favorite sound is "dadadada." Probably because Jeffrey is so much more fun to play with than I am! She only says "mmmaamama" when she's really upset. So, we got her a Jumperoo for Christmas and she used it for a few minutes here and there. But now that she's trying to stand up, she loves it! Today she jumped in it for almost an hour while we were watching Conference. She really fills our home with light and joy! Oh, and I think she might be allergic to peas (I also think that I am allergic to them). I fed her a jar of them for the first time yesterday and she developed a really bad diaper rash and threw up a few times. Now, it may just be a coincidence, but it's not something I care to test. I guess we just won't be eating peas in our house.

Spiritual Sunday: General Conference

2011-04-03T16:36:00.003-06:00

I can never believe how quickly General Conference weekend passes. I didn't think this weekend could get any better, but my "baby" brother Mark and his beautiful wife Brittney welcomed their first son to the world last night.

Eli Riley McCoy

I was so touched when they asked if they could give Eli the middle name of Riley. I wonder if they were friends before Eli came down, and if Riley was there at his birth. I know that we will have a very close connection with Eli, especially since he is the first boy born in our family after Riley.

And today's sessions of Conference were spectacular as well. I wasn't able to take as many notes because Bekka hasn't been feeling too well. Yesterday she developed a very bad diaper rash, and threw up a few times. It's so hard to see your baby like that and know there's only so much you can do. So all last night and today I have been changing her diaper every couple of hours and giving her bum some fresh air (which requires a lot of supervision when you have such an active, wiggly baby). But I did get to jot down some of the things that really stood out to me today.

Sunday Morning

Paul V. Johnson ~ Elder Johnson talked about tests, trials, and tribulations. I feel like my life has been full of these -- and big ones, at that. But I'm sure everyone feels that way. It's hard to imagine having to face anything harder than losing a child. I'll admit, sometimes it scares me, thinking that I'll have to handle something that terrible. But I really liked what Elder Johnson said, that the darkest trials come right before the greatest events (like the dark power that tried to overwhelm Joseph Smith immediately preceding the divine visitation from the Father and the Son). Without a doubt, Riley's passing has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to face. But in our darkest hour, we were blessed with our beautiful Bekka -- our gift of light, hope, and joy. Now, I'm still human, and I'm pretty sure there will always be a part of me that wishes Riley were still here with us, that we had a "normal" family (you know, the kind where all the kids outlive their parents). But I think that the pain of losing Riley has allowed our hearts to feel a greater joy than we could ever have before. I know everyone thinks their child is special, but I really believe there is something special about Bekka. I'm sure one day it will be clear why we needed to go through such heartbreak to be prepared to receive our sweet girl.

Elder Johnson also emphasized that "if we handle them [trials] properly, they will be consecrated for our gain." When we lost Riley, we turned to the Lord, and we leaned upon each other for strength and comfort. We now have stronger, surer testimonies, and we know that our marriage can withstand anything. It makes me so sad to hear about people turning their back on God when tragedy strikes. That is when we need him most, for only the Savior can truly understand what we feel and succor us accordingly. And it is our faith in eternal families that has sustained us, and made a little more bearable the pain of being separated from Riley. For a bereaved parent to question their faith is like giving up the only hope that they will be reunited with their child. It is just senseless and heartbreaking.

Sunday Afternoon

Richard G. Scott ~ I was so moved by Elder Scott's talk. When he spoke about his children who are already beyond the veil, my heart broke. But at the same time, I was humbled to have something so significant in common with this great man. He is an incredible example of someone who turned to the Lord in his time of great suffering after losing a child. I can only hope that one day, through the person I have become, I will be able to inspire just one person who experiences the far too common grief of burying a child. I loved how he talked about his marriage, and I want my own marriage to be as wonderful.

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As part of my "Spiritual Sunday" post, I wanted to set a goal for the week (on which I will report next Sunday). So this week, my goal is to wake up with Jeffrey so that we can do our scripture study at the beginning of our day (instead of at the very end when we're both really tired). I'm hoping that we will get more out of it, and that it will also set the tone for the day.

Mid-Conference Thoughts

2011-04-02T17:32:00.002-06:00

I love General Conference. I look forward to it for six months and am always surprised at how quickly it goes by. While every talk is wonderful, there are always a few in particular that really speak to me.

Saturday Morning Session

Kent F. Richards ~ Elder Richards talked about healing, and how we all need it from the Savior. Yes, sometimes we are healed by having our burdens taken from us. But often (as in my own life) healing comes through the gifts of strength, understanding, and patience in our suffering. Heavenly Father did not bring our Riley back, even though we wanted it more than anything. While the paramedics and doctors were working on him, we believed so strongly that he would be revived. But this was not Heavenly Father's will. Our lives were broken and our hearts were shattered. Never in my life have I been more in need of healing. It has already been a long road, and I know I am still on the path to complete healing, but the Savior has indeed been there, and I have received so much strength, from the very beginning. My testimony has been strengthened, and over time, I have been blessed with small pieces of understanding that have further strengthened my testimony and my trust in God. I have also been blessed with patience -- patience for the blessings which have been promised me. We will be with Riley again, and we will have the opportunity to raise him during the Millennium. But we need to be patient and live faithfully.

I was also really touched by the story that Elder Richards shared about the young girl who saw the spirits of family members who were tending to her in the hospital. I immediately thought of my cousins' sweet little boy Isaac, as he is still in the hospital (back in intensive care). I just felt so strongly "Of course Riley is there watching over him, and Isaac's sister Renee too." I wonder if he can see them, and how they are comforting him. But somehow, I know they are there, watching over him and keeping him company during this challenging time.

Quentin L. Cook ~ I absolutely loved Elder Cook's talk. It made me so happy to hear him describing the good women of the Church and to realize that I am one of them! It is nice to be validated in my life work of being a full-time mother to my beautiful daughter. I also liked how he referenced "As Sisters in Zion," saying that women have "the errand of angels." It motivated me to do more to be considered an angel here on earth, and an instrument in God's hands to comfort and bless the lives of others.

Saturday Afternoon

Boyd K. Packer ~ I just really liked how President Packer said that in the home, the husband is the head and the wife is the heart. As the father, Jeffrey leads our family and blesses our home with the priesthood. Aside from tending the home and the children, I am primarily responsible for setting the tone in the home. Jeffrey works to support our temporal needs, and I work to create an environment of love, happiness, and uplifting spirituality. Marriage truly is a partnership, and though we have different roles, we are equal partners in procuring the success of our family.

Dallin H. Oaks ~ I loved Elder Oaks' talk on desires. Desires shape our priorities; priorities shape our choices; choices shape our actions. "What we consistently desire over time is what we will become." I loved this. I am happy with a lot of things about myself, but there are still a lot of things I want to do better. I want to be an example of a stalwart LDS woman; I want to be one of those people who is so nice you're sure they don't have a mean bone in their body; I want to be someone who is always thinking of others before myself. If I want to be like this, I need to act like this. And sure, it may start out as a conscious effort, and I may only do things because I want to be a certain way. But the very fact that I do these things will eventually make me the person I want to be. These actions will become a part of who I am. And as far as my home and family are concerned, if I want a clean home where the Spirit can be felt, then I need to act accordingly. It means washing dishes even when I don't feel like it; it means playing uplifting music; it means denying ungodly and irreverent media.

To be honest, I think some of my priorities have been out of order. If I dedicated half as much time to scripture study or service as I did to watching TV, reading books, or doing some of my other hobbies (like crocheting or baking fancy desserts) I would be a much better person. Not to say that these things are bad, because I do believe that a person should have hobbies and wholesome, enjoyable activities to relax with. But if I can make as much time for them as I do, I can definitely make more time for spiritual endeavors.

M. Russell Ballard ~ I thought Elder Ballard's talk was so good, and so true. I know I have been guilty of relying on big acts to build my spiritual wealth. I'm convinced that the number of times you have read the Book of Mormon is not nearly as important as how consistently you read it. You would be better off reading a chapter a day, and really pondering and praying about it than you would if you just read the Book of Mormon as quickly as possible and then didn't look at it again for a year. And if we are constantly waiting for the big day-long service project, we will miss many opportunities for small, daily acts of service that will build up our spiritual wealth much more quickly and reliably. I feel so motivated to search for a small piece of spiritual wealth every day, instead of standing by, waiting for a fortune to appear on its own.

These thoughts have led me to a new idea that I want to try with this blog. I want to get on a write something spiritually uplifting every day. And because I have an odd obsession with alliterations, I came up with these cheesy/cute titles: Spiritual Sunday, Mormon Message Monday, Testimony Tuesday, Womanhood Wednesday, Thankful Thursday, Friendship Friday, Scripture Saturday.

Okay, okay, I know it's kind of lame, but I think the implementation will be very rewarding, at least for me. So on Sundays, I want to write just a little something about insights I had at Church, and make up goals for the week (and the next Sunday I would write about how I did on those goals). On Monday, I'll talk about the video message that the Church puts out. On Tuesday, I will write a short piece of my testimony about a specific doctrine. On Wednesday, I will share some quote/poem/story about womanhood. On Thursday, I will write, in detail, about something I am thankful for. On Friday, I will share something about the value of friendship, or how to be a better friend. On Saturday, I will share the verse(s) that most stood out to my during my scripture study that week.

Maybe nobody else will read it, but maybe someone will and it will brighten their day and add a small piece of spiritual wealth to their life. No matter what, I know it will help me focus on what is really important, and in time will make me a better person. I'm really excited to start this, and I hope at least one person is excited to read what I write. I don't expect to change anyone's life but my own, but if anything I say ever helps you in any way, I would love to hear about it.

Late-Night Musings

2011-03-29T01:41:00.001-06:00

It's 1am, and totally normal for me to still be awake. I think my biological clock is off, because no matter how I try to change it, my body never wants to go to sleep before midnight.

Confession time: I am a messy person. I really want to be better, though you would never guess that if you saw our apartment. I hate washing dishes. And i usually let them pile up until we run out of something. Sometimes I throw dirty dishes in a box and hide them in the back when people come over. I'm also really bad about doing laundry. I always wait until we're wearing our last clean clothes before washing any. I guess that wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have over a month's worth of clothes... I don't prepare meals as often as I should. Probably because my pots and pans are usually dirty. I never make the bed and I tend to throw dirty clothes in a huge pile on the floor.

Most of my day is spent in front of the computer. I usually turn tv shows on because I need the background noise. Lately, I've been crocheting a lot. I let Bekka play on the ground or in her high chair next to me, I turn on a show, and start playing with yarn. I've even gotten pretty efficient at crocheting while holding Bekka in my lap.

I like to keep busy, and prefer to be mindlessly busy. I average about two super productive days a week, and the rest of the time I'm just doing random stuff.

I hate dieting and I don't like how hard it is to lose weight. I've done calorie counting and the Atkins diet, and I've done as lot of reading on the South Beach diet. Things I've learned from each method: 1) calorie counting has showed me what healthy proportions look like; 2) despite its controversial rep, Atkins taught me how to cook and enjoy more vegetables than ever before in my life ( since most of your daily carb allowance us supposed to come from vegetables); 3) South Beach taught me about good carbs and fats, vs bad ones, as well as how the glycemic index works. Other observations I've made: I do better on strict diets because I am less likely to cheat; I really enjoy food; I never want to have to lose weight like this again.

Well, all this rambling has made me tired, so I guess I can go to sleep now. I hope you enjoyed this little trip inside my daily life. I'm sure there will be more to come.

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One Year, Six Months

2011-03-28T17:16:00.000-06:00

This coming weekend is General Conference. That means it has been 18 months since our last weekend with Riley -- October Conference 2009. I miss him so much. I love Conference, but it's always going to be a hard time of year. Especially since my birthday is by April Conference, and Jeffrey's is by October Conference, and right by Riley's "graduation" date (when he graduated from this world to the next).

The song in this movie is called "One Year, Six Months" by Yellowcard.
Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

Launching My Creativity Blog

2011-03-22T14:42:00.000-06:00

Well, sometimes I wonder what I do with all my time. Aside from spending the day with my beautiful daughter, I like to create things. All sorts of things. So I decided to make a new blog dedicated to the products of my creativity. I wanted a cute blog name, but you wouldn't believe how many people named Kelli want to blog about the things they create. But I finally found something that works: All Things Created by Kelli @ http://createdbykelli.blogspot.com. In addition to showing off the things I've done, I'm including instructions on how to replicate them, along with links to recipes, crochet patterns, digital scrapbooking freebies, and stuff like that. I'm hoping it will serve as a fun place where other people can get ideas and inspiration. You'll probably notice that most of the stuff is not my original idea, and I'll say what I've always said: I'm not exactly creative, I'm just really good at following instructions. Anyway, there's still a lot more to add, but I've got some good stuff on there already. Let me know what you think!

Lots of Things (and Pictures!)

2011-03-21T21:50:00.002-06:00

Bekka
Bekka is 8 months old today! It's crazy how fast time goes. She's crawling now! She started with a super awkward squirming across the floor whenever I put Gerber puffs out of her reach. But now she's crawling up on her hands and knees and doesn't have to be bribed with food. Her new favorite game is tag. Jeffrey or I will stand on one side of the living room and she will crawl toward us. Then we'll run to the other side and she'll squeal and giggle and turn around and crawl toward us again. It's so incredibly cute. She's also learned how to pull herself up into a standing position, and every time she does it she gets the biggest smile ever. She gets more and more talkative by the day, which is lots of fun.

Trying to pull herself up to standing

Valentine's Day
I had the best Valentine's Day ever. It was more like a Valentine's weekend. The Friday before, Jeffrey took me to a surprise lunch at Olive Garden. Then when I came home, I found the Reese's candy he had hidden for me. My gift to Jeffrey was learning how to program enough to write up something that said "I love you." Nothing fancy, but then I spent most of the weekend doing little projects that Jeffrey was getting from the beginning CS class syllabus. He thought it was pretty romantic. On Monday (the actual day of Valentine's Day) I went for a walk, and when I got home, Jeffrey had snuck in and left a gorgeous bouquet of red tulips. And later that evening, I found the box of Dove truffles he had hidden for me. It was all so sweet and romantic. Later that week, I took one of my tulips down to the cemetery and left it with a little crocheted heart for Riley.

Yummy!

So romantic!

I love my little missionary

Grad School

Jeffrey got accepted to both BYU's and U of U's masters programs. We haven't sent in an official notification, but it looks like we'll be staying at BYU for the next couple of years. I'm hoping we can find a nice apartment with a dishwasher and/or a washer & dryer. I'd love to have all of those, but I would be happy with having at least one of them.

Pi Day

Pi Day (3/14) is special for us, because it is the day we had our blind date three years ago! I made apple crisp on Sunday, and then on Monday, for the actual Pi Day, I surprised Jeffrey and took him to Pizza Pie Cafe (not the kind of pie he was expecting, but amazingly delicious pie nonetheless).

Baking

Being on a diet is hard, and one of the hardest things is not baking! So I've recently started baking smaller things so I can give them away. That way I can still bake, but don't have to live with the temptation of having the goodies in my own home. So far I've made miniature banana bread loaves using my super cute garden bug cakelet pan from Williams-Sonoma; a gluten-free chocolate cake which I made in miniature heart pans and served over drizzled homemade caramel sauce (I forgot to take a picture, but they came out super cute and everyone said they were delicious); and lemon cake truffles (I followed Bakerella's recipe, using lemon cake, homemade cream cheese frosting, and white chocolate candy melts).

Cutest banana bread ever

I decorated my lemon cake truffles with sprinkles and piped lemon frosting (hard to see in the picture though)

Crochet

I have been having lots of fun with crochet lately. Mostly baby stuff and bags. I'm currently working on a baby afghan for my nephew due next month. I'll take pictures when it's done.

Minnie Mouse newborn hat

Baby rain booties

Feminine baby beanie (with flower clip)

Cloche and capelet (kind of hard to see the black capelet over the black dress...)

BYU baseball cap (I came up with the pattern for the Y myself)

Original pattern Soothie cover/converter (twofold purpose: makes your baby's binky distinguishable from everyone else's, and allows you to attach a pacifier leash)

Originally intended as a reusable shopping bag, I now use it as Bekka's diaper/toy bag whenever we go places

Similar to the pink bag above, but I made it smaller so I could have a purse. I also made a key bag so that they wouldn't fall through the holes in the purse.

Happy Pi Day

2011-03-14T08:00:00.000-06:00

Kelli and I met on π day so today is pretty much an awesome day. In honor of this momentous occasion, I would encourage you to run the following python function:

def eatPi():

inside = 0

samples = 0

while 1:

inside += math.sqrt(1 - random.random() ** 2)

samples += 1

print samples, (inside * 4 / samples)

Using Monte Carlo integration to approximate π is pretty the coolest thing you can do today. The only thing that can make this day better actually eating π.

7DRL!

2011-03-08T23:47:00.000-07:00

My favorite genre of computer games is the roguelike. Every year roguelike developers participate in a challenge to create a complete roguelike game in seven days. This year I am going to take a stab at the competition.

I'm planning on doing a capture the flag roguelike. Each player will have a few stats that affect movement and chance to be captured, and you'll get to choose your teammates. Once/if I get the basics of the game working, the interesting part will be the AI. I plan on using potential fields to control all the computer players. If I get really ambitious I might code up some genetic algorithm to learn the best weights for the fields, but I highly doubt that I'll ever get that far. I'll be working in Java, drawing upon my own roguelike library JadeRogue for most of the roguelike mechanics like field of vision, map generation, etc. My ultimate goal is to get some interesting multi-agent AI code out of this that I can then turn around and put into JadeRogue. Wish me luck!

Red or Blue?

2011-02-28T19:58:00.001-07:00

University of Utah just sent their acceptance (with funding)! Now I get to choose - red or blue?

w00t!

2011-02-28T10:10:00.002-07:00

2/28/2011

Jeffrey Lund

572 Wymount Ter

Provo Utah 84604

USA

Dear Jeffrey,

I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted to Brigham Young University as a graduate student. We look forward to having you join us for your graduate studies and trust that your graduate experience will be both challenging and rewarding.

If our office can be of assistance to you, please do not hesitate to call us. We wish you continued success.

Sincerely,

Wynn Stirling, Ph.D.

Dean, Graduate Studies

Getting this first acceptance letter is a huge relief. Now I know for sure that I won't be homeless, jobless bum come April!

Useless Major

2011-02-16T10:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Senator Stephenson,

When you said that certain majors are "degrees to nowhere" you only showed your ignorance of the value of education. You are misguided about the purpose of education. If the only criteria for judging the worth of an education is job prospect then we might as well just close down four-year universities and only offer technical training. This may stifle creativity and innovation, but you don't seem to care about these aspects of an education.

I happen to be in a field that has great job prospects. Even so, the most valuable thing that I will get out of my computer science degree is not technical training. Honestly, my future employee doesn't care that I reimplemented a toy operating system, that I wrote a toy web server, that I implemented a toy programming language, or that I built a toy language model. They were all toys, with no real world marketability. What they do care about is that I was forced to think critically about interesting problems in computer science, and come up with solutions on my own.

The most valuable thing about getting a degree is learning how to learn. Knowing how to learn enables me to examine the world and draw conclusions. It allows me to think and reason clearly. It allows me to contribute to society in a meaningful way.

So Senator Stephenson, I object to your comments about education. Every education, even a "useless" education, prepares a person to think, reason and learn. The fact that our friends in humanities and liberal arts come to the table with a different set of perspectives only serves to enrich the discussion about the world we live in. Many powerful and influential decision makers in our world have been trained in the liberal arts.

You claim that my wife's degree in French is a "degree to nowhere" simply because she hasn't used it to get a job. You are wrong. All that "useless" literary analysis has helped her to formulate well reasoned opinions about current events. She doesn't have to be swayed by what the media has to say. She doesn't even have to be swayed by what her husband has to say. Her exposure to other cultures has made her more aware of other perspectives, and has given her a broader understanding of the world. I say that she is a better wife, mother and member of society because of her education.

The world needs more people who can think for themselves. Our society needs these people. Our local communities need these people. Our families need these people. You may think that these degrees are "misaligned," but in fact it is you who needs to reevaluate the value of education. Education is not the means to an end, but an end unto itself.

As one final argument, I would just like to point out that your own major, psychology, is one of the "degrees to nowhere." Some of your esteemed colleges in the senate earned their degrees in fields like sociology, political science, and philosophy. All of these majors are "useless" by your standards. Don't worry though - in the next election, I will be holding you up to your own standard when choosing a candidate to vote for.

- Jeff Lund, a former music major

Past, Pride, and Potential

2011-02-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, kind of a weird title, I know. But 1)these are the things I've been thinking about this morning, and 2)I really like alliterations.

When I was in high school, I was in decent shape. Nothing amazing, but I wasn't completely hopeless either. I got my varsity letter in track and field for placing in the top ten in women's pole vault at league finals. Okay, so it wasn't that hard to do, since only six girls even made it over the bar. But still, it's something I look back on with a certain degree of pride and satisfaction. I had an 8-minute mile, which isn't anything to brag about, but it was good enough for me.

So this morning, I went down to the indoor track on campus and took Bekka in her stroller. I haven't even tried jogging (let alone running) since before I got married. So I knew it wasn't going to be a cakewalk. My first lap, I saw the pole vault pit and fondly remembered my high school days (hence the last paragraph). When I was a teenager, I always wished I was thinner and faster and stronger. Now I just wish I could be how I was back then. Anyway, after my second lap, I wanted to puke. But I was too ashamed to stop so soon after starting. So I just slowed it down and walked a lap. After my fourth lap, I wanted to keel over and give up. But it takes five laps to make a mile, and I really didn't want to admit that I couldn't even jog/walk a mile! So I pushed myself, jogged another half a lap, then finished up with a fast walk. In total I probably jogged about a quarter of a mile and walked the rest. Physically, I felt terrible. But I was really proud of myself for finishing the mile. It took me 18 minutes, which is kind of pathetic... But hey, it's been three years and I've had two babies, and I'm still about 50 pounds away from my pre-pregnancies weight. And it's a start. You've got to start somewhere.

So as I was driving home (okay, I usually make fun of people who drive to their workout, but it's really cold in the mornings and there is no way that I'm going to jog outside, especially with the little one) I started thinking, Can pride ever be a good thing? I think that it can, in the right places. I think that pride that compares ourselves to others, or pride that makes us think we don't need the Savior -- those are the bad kinds of pride, the kinds that people are usually referring to. But what about pride in your own efforts? Like this morning, when I really wanted to stop after two laps, but I finished all five because of my pride. I think at times like this, pride can actually motivate us to reach more of our potential. I started thinking, maybe it wasn't so much pride as it was a refusal to be complacent. But no, it was my pride that made me keep going. And when I got done, I was proud of what I had accomplished. Not in an "I'm better than so-and-so" kind of way, but in a "Wow, I wasn't sure if I could do that" kind of way. And now I'm even more motivated to go back again and start improving.

And since I'm even more motivated by rewards, I think I know just the thing. Once I can jog an entire mile without having to walk, then I can get a jogging stroller! (Thank goodness for those unused gift cards I found in my purse!) Because 1)jogging strollers look so much cooler, and 2)they probably work a lot better for that sort of thing anyway.

~11 pounds down, lots more to go

What's New With Us

2011-02-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

Well, first of all, our blog has been made public again so that all of our friends and family can access it. Like I said before, I won't be posting pictures of Bekka on here, so if you don't have a Facebook account but would like to see them, let me know and I will send you the direct link.

I've been following a weight loss program for about four weeks now, and have been having pretty good success. I've lost about 10 pounds, and reached my first weight-loss goal. My reward: a nice set of crochet hooks. I got it in advance (in November) so I could work on Christmas presents. But now I've officially earned them! Dieting really isn't fun, but I do like watching the number go down on the scale. I'm trying to think of some non-food rewards for when I hit milestones: small-ish ones for every 10 pounds, some special ones for how much I want to weigh by specific dates (like my birthday, Bekka's birthday, our anniversary, etc), a big one for when I reach my pre-pregnancies weight, a medium-ish one for when I reach my pre-marriage weight, and a super one for when I reach my ultimate weight-loss goal (which is about 20 pounds after my pre-marriage weight). Any and all suggestions for non-food rewards are welcome!

Another one of my big goals this year is to get (and keep!) our house clean and organized. One of the things I have really struggled with is washing the dishes. One day we'll have a dishwasher, but for now, those dishes can really pile up if they don't get washed right away. Like I said, I've struggled with this for a while, but I am proud to say that my sink is currently dish-free! It's kind of like dieting: it's much more about lifestyle changes than about one grand gesture that magically gets the job done. If I want my house to stay clean, I can't just spend an entire weekend on it and then not touch it again. So the past little while I have been doing really well about washing dishes as soon as I am done with a meal. Next challenge: getting into a more regular laundry schedule. Right now, we just go and go until all our clothes are dirty, then we have to spend an entire day doing laundry because we have accumulated so many loads. I would really like to get in the habit of doing laundry once a week, at most every two weeks. Then it's also a lot more manageable for me to put away clean clothes, instead of just leaving them in bins on the bed.

Jeffrey news: Well, Jeffrey got a rejection email from University of Washington. They were only able to accept 8% of their 11,000 applications, so it really was more of a reach school. Still waiting to hear back from BYU, University of Utah, and UT-Austin (that's our preference order for them). I'm 99% sure Jeffrey is going to get into BYU, so it looks like we'll be sticking around Provo for a while longer. We're thinking about moving out of Wymount though. It's been great, but they keep raising rent every year, and it's just not as good of a deal as it used to be. We might even branch out and move to Springville, or Orem!

This semester, one of Jeffrey's classes requires him to keep a blog. Some of his posts are pretty funny, so I think I'm going to have him share them on here too.

Well, Bekka is sitting up now. Or rather, she can stay sitting up if I set her down like that. And she no longer needs to lean on her arms for balance. She also has a new favorite toy: books. Unfortunately, she still likes to chew on her toys. So I let her play with waterproof bath books and soft cloth books. She's also been drooling A LOT lately, and has been a lot fussier than usual. I don't see or feel any bumps in her gums, but I hope she is teething (because then at least I would understand what's going on with her) and that she cuts her teeth soon.

Well, one last thing, I'm thinking about starting a blog with an LDS perspective on losing a child. I kind of want to get it going before I publicize it, but keep an eye out for an update about it in a week or so.

We're Baaack!

2011-02-08T20:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I've decided to un-privatize our blog because too many people were having trouble accessing it. Plus, I didn't realize that you can only give access permission to 100 people, and Jeffrey and I both come from pretty big families, so that didn't leave my room for friends. My biggest concern with public blogs is my children's privacy. So I've had to compromise: our blog will be public, but I won't be putting up too personal information (including pictures of the little one). I will continue posting pictures on Facebook, where only my friends, or people to whom I give the direct address, can see them. If you do not have Facebook but would like to see pictures, please let me know, and I will email you the direct link.

A Piece of Heaven

2011-02-01T17:24:00.003-07:00

Ingredients:
2 Carmel Corn Rice Cakes
1/2 Cup Whipped Cream
1 Cup Graham Canyon Ice Cream

Make a sandwich of the ingredients. Serve chilled. Yummy!

Nutritional Information:
Serving Size: 1 Sandwich
Calories: -10 (it takes energy for your stomach to melt the ice cream)
Total Fat: 0g (this dessert is just that heavenly)

Deductive Reasoning

2011-01-31T23:00:00.001-07:00

<rant>
I've got another pet peeve - people who claim to be using deductive reasoning when they aren't. If a deductive argument is valid, then when ever the premises are true, the conclusion logically must also be true. A simple example is the classic form modus ponens. It looks like this:

If P, then Q.
P.
Therefore Q.

You can substitute P and Q for anything. As long as the two premises are true, then the conclusion logically follows. For example:

If it is raining, then the ground is wet.
It is raining.
Therefore the ground is wet.

There are many other valid argument forms out there and I can recommend some good books on logic if you are interested. My problem/pet peeve is the that people rarely use deductive when the are patting themselves on for being so logical. Really they are appealing to other types of reasoning such as inductive reasoning or abductive reasoning.
Inductive reasoning is essentially generalizing past observations. For example I might say something like "all computer science majors I have seen are nerds, therefore all computer science majors are nerds." This is not necessarily true, as there could be some non-nerdy computer scientist out there somewhere, but we can still appeal the our observations as evidence. Still though, this is not deduction.
Abductive reasoning is essentially an educated guess. It is the sort of thing that Sherlock Holmes does. The sleuth makes some seemingly unconnected observations, and pieces them together into some plausible hypothesis. There is no deduction (actual logical arguments), nor is there induction (generalization of the observations). This doesn't mean abduction isn't useful, just that it isn't actually a logical proof.
I don't claim to be an expert logician, but I know enough to get annoyed when people expect me to believe supposedly bulletproof deductive reasoning, when really they haven't deduced anything. As a final example of logic, I submit the following argument for your evaluation:

If you use invalid logic around me, then I will mock you.
If I mock you, then you will be sad.
Therefore, if you use invalid logic around me, you will be sad.
</rant>

Joys of the Craft

2011-01-28T15:41:00.000-07:00

Today I was reminded once again why I love computer science. I ran into problem which did not have an obvious solution. I've done a (small) literature review and am pretty sure no one else has solved it, or rather no one else has written about this problem. I solved it. I spent some time at a white board, filling it with mathematical scribble, and the coded up the solution, and it works! I admit that this was nothing ground breaking or revolutionary, but it was still a non-trivial thing that I did. This feeling is why I love computer science. I love solving hard problems, creating new things, and watching the all the intricate parts move. I love how beautiful and elegant code can be. When code expresses an idea so perfectly that it must come close to the Platonic form, it makes me giddy with nerdy delight.

"I think this delight must be an image of God's delight in making things, a delight shown in the distinctness and newness of each leaf and each snowflake."
-Brooks

Free Time

2011-01-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

Studies have shown that video games have negative effects on gamers. Other studies have shownthat they are perfectly harmless. This debate has become so ridiculous and polarized that I honestly don't care who is right. Free time is just that: free. If I want to spend my weekend playing World of Warcraft^*, then so be it. What I do in my free time is a personal choice, and it is wrong to say that my hobby is worth less than another. By definition, a hobby is an activity for leisure and relaxation, not some moral obligation to be productive. So if you have a weird hobby, enjoy yourself! It's your free time, not mine.

* I've never actually played WoW, nor do I intend to - it looks rather boring.

Pass-by-Value

2011-01-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

<rant>
To all hot shot Java noobs who think you know how to program - you are my new pet peeve. Today I got into a disagreement with such a noob over Java's evaluation strategy. I've read the language specification; I've programmed in Java for a very long time. Lets make things clear - Java is STRICTLY pass-by-value. The old saying that Java passes primitives by value and objects by reference is wrong. If you don't believe me, run the following snippet of code and tell me what you get.

public class JavaNoob
{
  public static void swap(Object a, Object b)
  {
      Object temp = a;
      a = b;
      b = temp;
  }

  public static void main(String[] args)
  {
      Object a = "a";
      Object b = "b";
      swap(a, b);
      System.out.println("The value of a is " + a);
      System.out.println("The value of b is :" + b);
  }
}

If objects were really pass by reference, one would expect the values of a and b to be swapped after calling that lovely swap method huh? As it is, Java is pass by value, even when you pass an object reference. In other words, Java passes references by value. Stop arguing with me about it.
</rant>

2011: Quest for a Better Me

2011-01-25T11:56:00.000-07:00

The new year is a great time for reflection and self-evaluation. This year, I have two main goals that I truly hope I achieve: 1)get back to a healthy weight, and 2)learn how to keep my house clean.

Like the majority of Americans, I am overweight. And like the majority of Americans, my new year's resolution is to lose that excess weight. But unlike most Americans, I am 100% determined to meet my weight goals. I have already lost six pounds, which is quite a bit, but I've still got a long way to go. As of today, I still need to lose 40 pounds to get back to my pre-pregnancies weight, another 10 to get back to my pre-marriage weight, and another 20 to be well within the "healthy weight range" for my height. So that's another 70 pounds. Sheesh! I've really got my work cut out for me. But I've been counting calories, and exercising (sometimes), and I am determined to at least get back to my pre-marriage weight by the end of the year. And I'm going to do everything I can to get back to a healthy weight. I tell you, trying to lose weight is no fun. But I'm already seeing progress, so that is really encouraging.

Things I have learned so far on my weight-loss journey:
1)I really like cheese.
1a)Cheese has a lot of calories and fat.
1b)I really miss cheese.

2)Cheat days make a diet bearable enough that you can stick with it.
2a)Going overboard on a cheat day negates some of the hard work you have done and makes you feel guilty.
2b)You should probably just have one cheat meal, and still try to be good the rest of the day.

3)Measuring portions takes a lot of the fun out of eating.

4)For the same amount of calories, I can eat a lot more healthy foods than less-healthy-but-far-more-delicious foods.

5)Tuna is the perfect protein; it has almost no carbs or fat.

Anyway, my other big goals is to learn how to keep my house clean. I'll admit it, I can be pretty messy. When Jeffrey and I were engaged, he asked my roommate about my cleanliness habits. I think she put it pretty well: "She can be organized when she wants to be." I don't really like washing dishes (which is why our sink is rarely free of them) and I have a terrible habit of throwing clothes on the floor when I'm trying to get ready and I don't like the way they look. But I do love alphabetizing our movies, and organizing our books by genre. I don't like living in a messy house, but it seems to have gotten so out of hand. I think since we are going to be moving in a few months, I'll just start packing away things we won't need before then. And then when we get to our new place, wherever that may be, I'll start off right by having everything neat and organized. If everything is already clean, it really isn't that hard to maintain it. It's just trying to tackle months worth of things being thrown every which way that can be overwhelming. But I guess I have the entire year to figure it out. So wish me luck!

Cardinal Quest

2011-01-24T12:59:00.000-07:00

In case you don't know me well, I am a give fan of roguelikes, both playing and developing. Here is a link to a new flash roguelike done by a friend of mine. I think its a pretty cool game, and the learning curve isn't nearly as bad as more serious roguelikes. Check it out!

http://www.8bitfunding.com/project_details.php?p_id=65

Happy Half-Birthday, Bekka!

2011-01-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

My beautiful daughter is six months old today. I can't believe how fast it has gone by. I love getting to spend every day with her, watching her grow and develop. I feel so blessed that I am able to be a full-time mother. For me, there is nothing more fulfilling than spending all my time with my teeny, tiny best friend. I know, that sounds kind of cheesy, but she is so special, and such a blessing in our lives. She is a super mommy's girl. Sure, it would be nice to be able to shower without her screaming in her daddy's arms, and I do wish she wanted to spend more time with Jeffrey. But I love how much she loves spending time with me. This probably sounds lame, but the more I feel like she needs me, the more I feel like I have a purpose. I just remember feeling so useless and purposeless after Riley passed away. Now I love spending all my time taking care of and playing with Bekka. She gives me something to look forward to every single day. And she has brought light and laughter and happiness back into my life. I know my ability to love is so much stronger because of what we have been through, and I absolutely adore my daughter with my entire heart.

I know every parent thinks their child is special, and of course, every child is. But I think Bekka really is a very special spirit. Heavenly Father sent her to us at this time for a reason. She is the happiest, most loving baby I have ever known, and it is impossible not to smile when she is giggling and talking and giving you big sloppy kisses. And she is unbelievably in tune with how I am feeling. I remember one of the first few nights in the hospital, she was in the nursery and I had a major emotional break down. Call it hormones, or baby blues, or whatever you want to, but I was bawling about Riley and doubting my abilities as a mother and nothing could console me. Then one of the nurses brought Bekka in because she was crying and crying and they couldn't calm her down. As soon as I held her, both of us started to calm down and I was just overwhelmed with so much peace. Sure, maybe it was a coincidence. But I really felt like she could sense my distress, even from another room, and knew that she needed to be with me. It's like her cuddles have healing properties and can comfort any distress I have. This kind of thing has happened on a few other occasions, and it has really made me wonder about how special my little girl is.

I love my children so very much, and I hope that as Bekka grows up, she will have a close connection with her big brother. I hope that when our family is finally reunited that she will know Riley, and they will rejoice in each other's presence.

Happy half-birthday, my beautiful Bekka. You are my gift from heaven, and my angel on earth.

P=NP?

2011-01-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

Supposedly someone has written code which solves the 3-SAT in polynomial time. Let me restate that more concisely - P=NP!!! If proven true, I think that statement deserves at least a few more exclamation points. I admit that I am skeptical at best. There have been many failed attempts and rejected papers related to this problem. After all, N=NP is a millennium problem. In fact, it wasn't too long ago that I got excited about a paper which supposedly disproved N=NP. Still, when I first saw it I turned into a giddy little schoolboy, albeit an extremely nerdy one. The implications of such proof are astounding. In the spirit of nerd giddiness, I am downloading his code so I can run my own experiments. I'll post an edit describing my results.

Time Saver

2011-01-19T10:17:00.001-07:00

If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it might as well be a duck. At least that is the philosophy advocated by fans of languages like Python. The idea is that only actual properties of an object matter, not the type. So if a duck impostor flame spitting dragon comes along, knowing how to walk and quack, my code written for ducks will work just fine. Supposedly this saves development time, as I can write more dynamic and flexible code.

I am starting to disagree with this philosophy, though the reason might surprise you. My (re)conversion to strong static typing is due to my ide. When I code, the key combination I use the most is ctrl-space. When I press ctrl-space, my content assist pops up and I instantly see every possible variable and function, along with parameter information. This way I can spend more time thinking about what I am trying to code now, rather than trying to remember the parameters to a function I wrote six months ago.

Duck typing cripples my ide. Without type information, the ide can't figure out what pieces can fit. It can't figure out that my impostor dragon doesn't belong where I really need a duck. It doesn't know that the parameter to my function can even quack. It can't even tell me if a variable points to a duck. The result is that I have to keep a mental model in my head of an entire framework. In the end, the time saver costs me time, as I end up having to back trace just to figure out the type of some variable.

Wikipedia Trap

2011-01-11T23:38:00.000-07:00

I cannot count the times that I've been caught in the jaws of the Wikipedia trap. You have probably been caught too. First you Google something for genuine research. After briefly skimming the first paragraph of a relevant Wikipedia article, you notice a single, lonely link, begging to be clicked. Pretty soon the wife walks by and wonders why you were so enthralled with <insert random bizarre subject here>. Technology really does come with a cost. For me personally, the ability to learn a little about everything costs me the ability to learn a lot about one thing. Also, I still have homework to procrastinate...

Steampunk RPG?

2011-01-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

Having fallen into a wikipedia trap, I stumbled upon an article about steampunk. I started wondering why there aren't any rpg's out there in this setting. Fantasy rpg's are almost ubiquitous. Even scifi seems to have a few entries. But no steampunk.

I know why. I started designing a steampunk 7drl and failed. I couldn't come up with a cheap enemy to fight. Fantasy has hordes of orcs, goblins and trolls to fight. Scifi has every type of alien invaders imaginable. I just can't figure out what the enemy is in a steampunk rpg.

Summary: Hordes of <what?> descended upon the helpless citizens of the steampunk setting. If you can fill in the blank, come talk to me.

Our Thanksgiving Feast

2010-11-30T11:57:00.001-07:00

Cheese ball with crackers

I mixed 16 oz. cream cheese with 3 T dry ranch mix, then rolled it in chopped pecans. Served with Keebler Toasteds crackers (buttercrisp, wheat, and onion)

Cranberry-Spinach Salad

Spinach, dried cranberries, and toasted almonds tossed with poppyseed salad dressing.

The turkey

17-pound turkey that we got for free using Macey's vouchers. Nothing fancy, just cooked it until it was done.

Sweet Breads: Banana and Pecan-Pumpkin

I used Betty Crocker's Best-Ever Banana Bread recipe, but I didn't make it gluten free. Also, I didn't add the chopped nuts. For the pumpkin bread I used Williams-Sonoma Spiced Pecan Pumpkin Quick Bread Mix.

Deviled eggs and olives

Just your every-day deviled eggs, and olives straight from the can. I was just really excited to use my new egg platter.

Stuffing

First, I made Italian Herb bread, then used it to make stuffing. There was a lot more stuffing, but it slipped as I was pulling it out of the oven, and we lost about half of it.

Green Bean Casserole

Nothing fancy, but a definite staple of any Thanksgiving dinner. I just used the recipe on the can.

Sweet Potato Casserole

Yummy! Love those sweet potatoes!

Garlic Mashed Potatoes

My little sister Emma helped me make these potatoes.

Dinner Rolls

Can't have a nice dinner without fresh-baked rolls.I was going to make the dough from scratch, but decided just to get frozen dinner rolls instead.

I'm too lazy to rotate the bottom picture right now, but this is the Slow Cooker Spiced Cranberry-Apple Cider that we had.

Okay, I know this doesn't look very appetizing, but I assure you, it was delicious! This is a "salad" made from cottage cheese, whipped cream, jello powder, and canned fruit. I'm pretty sure you can put marshmallows in it to make it even better.

On to the desserts! This is my first homemade pumpkin pie. I pulled from two recipes: one for the pecan crust and one for the actual filling.

Here is my absolutely scrumptious chocolate cream pie. I know I took a picture of a single slice, but I can't find it right now...

My most successful concoction: the pumpkin roll. It was the only menu item that was completely gone by the day after Thanksgiving.

And last, but definitely not least, my brown sugar bundt cake with homemade caramel sauce. I got to use my beautiful harvest cake pan from Williams-Sonoma, and I'm pretty sure the cake and sauce are what heaven tastes like.

Our beautiful table setting

The dinner spread (there wasn't room for the desserts on the table or in our stomachs)

Trying to get a little bit of everything on one plate. (I don't like when my food mixes, which makes something like this even more difficult)

As you can imagine, we had leftovers for a long time. But all in all, I consider my first year as Thanksgiving host to have been a grand success!

Productivity Spurts

2010-11-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like today's a twofer. Anyway, I've noticed that my productivity comes in giant spurts with big breaks in between. Today was one of those productive days that need to happen far more often than they do.

Bekka had her four-month checkup today. She weighs 12 pounds, 7 ounces (26th percentile), her length is 24.25 inches (53rd percentile), and her head circumference is 15.75 inches (24th percentile). So basically she's long and skinny. The doctor said that everything looks great though, and she is developing right on track. She got one oral vaccine, and two shots. It always makes me so sad when she cries after getting shots. But I know it's important. Plus, it just means some extra cuddle time to make her feel better.

After our visit to the doctor, we went and did all our shopping for our first Thanksgiving dinner as the host family. I added a few things to the list.... First of all, I decided to make a pumpkin-pecan bread and a pumpkin roll with cream cheese filling (sooo excited for this). I also got some sparkling apple cider (one with mango, and one with peach) to go along with our spiced cranberry-apple cider. I also decided to make a cottage cheese-jello "salad" because it's delicious. So either we're all going to gain 10 pounds in a single day, OR I won't have to cook for two weeks. I'm hoping it's the latter, because I've really been trying to lose weight lately, and it's hard work! Now, the best part of my shopping trip was that my ward had helped me save up enough Macey's turkey vouchers that I was able to get our 16-pound turkey for FREE!

Now if only I can keep up the productivity long enough to get the dishes done. Or at least some silverware, because we're all out...

Thanksgiving

2010-11-18T09:28:00.001-07:00

This year, Jeffrey and I are hosting Thanksgiving at our place. Okay, so it'll really just be us and Jeffrey's parents, and his mom is going to help me with pretty much everything, but hey, it's a start at being an actual adult. (I've finally accepted the fact that I am no longer a teenager...) I'm really excited, and I've been putting my menu together. Now, I've always been used to huge family gatherings for the holiday, so I'm used to having a wide selection of food. With only four of us eating, I can't decide if I want to cut things out, or just make a ridiculous amount of food and have leftovers until Christmas.

Things I have deemed necessary, even if they may not be:
1. turkey (okay, this one really is necessary)

2. gravy (hopefully Jeffrey's mom can help me make real turkey, but I've got the mix stuff, just in case)
----sides----
3. stuffing (non-negotiable)
4. mashed potatoes (come on, these are a staple. I'm thinking about making creamy garlic mashed potatoes)
5. green bean casserole (can you have Thanksgiving without it??)
6. sweet potato casserole (one of the best things ever. It counts as a vegetable, but actually tastes good! lol... Plus, I only ever have it for Thanksgiving, so I can't bring myself to leave it out this year)
7. salad (the meal has to feel balanced, right? I'm thinking a spinach-cranberry salad with poppyseed dressing. Since I'm not a huge fan of cranberry sauce, I figured this is one way I can incorporate the festive berry)
8. deviled eggs (I don't know if this is considered a typical Thanksgiving side or not, but I grew up having them at just about every holiday because my aunt always made them. And I love them. So I'm going to have them.)
9. rolls (again, these are a staple)
----beverages----
10. cranberry-apple cider (okay, I love apple cider. And I wanted to have more cranberry, since it seems vital to a Thanksgiving feast, even if I don't like it by itself. So I found this awesome recipe that mulls it all in a slowcooker. I'm pretty excited for it)
----desserts----
11. banana bread (delicious. And it's the only form in which Jeffrey will eat bananas. Plus, I've been saving a couple bananas in my freezer for just this thing)
12. pumpkin bread (I'm pretty sure I'm going to make chocolate chip pumpkin bread)
13. pumpkin pie (another non-negotiable)
14. apple cobbler (there's a great recipe using dehydrated apple slices, and we've got about six cans of 'em, so I'm pretty set on making this)
15. chocolate pie (this is Jeffrey's one request, so I can't leave it out)

So, as you can see, I've got quite the list of things that I need at my Thanksgiving dinner. Okay, yeah, it's a lot. But hey, I won't have to cook for at least a week after that.

This year, I want to make a list of 100 things (including people) for which I am grateful. So you can look forward to that post in a few days.

I'm so excited to see all our family next week. And we're having Bekka's blessing the Sunday right after Thanksgiving, so that will be a really special day!

It's Been a While

2010-10-31T22:27:00.002-06:00

Well, we had some rough days this past month, but we had a good time this weekend and I think we're ready to get back into the swing of things.

I love Halloween. I went trick-or-treating until I was 18, and last year was the only time I didn't dress up. Growing up, my family had an incredible party every Halloween. I thought this was what every family did. But apparently, my husband isn't as big of a fanatic as I am. Before he met me, he hadn't worn a costume since he was about 12. And his idea of a good Halloween is staying home and watching movies in your pajamas. But we did that last year, so this time we got to do things my way. We went all out with coordinating costumes: Peter Pan, Wendy Darling, and Tinkerbell.

Aside from Jeffrey's hat, his and my costumes were made up entirely of things we already owned. And all the materials to make Bekka's costume cost under $10. So I'd say it was a pretty successful Halloween. During the course of my holiday preparation, I also picked up crocheting -- that's how I made Jeffrey's hat, and Bekka's hat/hair and shoes. I'm currently working on baby galoshes, though they aren't exactly functional since they will be made entirely of yarn. But it might be a while before I finish them since I have to work pretty hard this next week. Last week I dedicated all of my "cleaning time" to finishing up our costumes. And I ate waaayyy more junk food than I should have. So now I'm looking at a week of double workouts and double chores to make up for it. In my opinion, though, it was worth it. Jeffrey might not agree since I let the house become a disaster zone and I made him dress up as Peter Pan (which included wearing a pair of my brown pants in lieu of green tights).

Thoughts

2010-10-08T00:52:00.001-06:00

I think about lots of things. Sometimes I worry that I talk too much and that people are going to get tired of hearing what I think. But I guess anyone reading this different feel that way, so I'm going to go ahead and share some of the thoughts I've had lately.

First of all, I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support over the past few days. It's so easy to feel like everyone has forgotten and moved on. So to have so many people remember that this week was hoping to be a hard one, it really touched my heart. I even had people reach out to me who just barely met me. God may have called home our little angel, but he has blessed my life with do many earthly angels that I call friends and family. I know so many people have kept us in their thoughts and prayers lately. I want everyone to know that God hears and answers prayers. I have been blessed with peace, comfort, strength, hope, and even joy. I know that I could never have attained any of these without my loving Heavenly Father.

I have had many people express to me that I have been such a wonderful example of faith. I do not share this to boast, but because it was the catalyst to my next train of thought. My patriarchal blessing says that I am to be "a light in Israel." I never gave this much thought, because I never aspired to any position of leadership or great renown, and I did not know how else I could be in a position of so much influence. Over the past couple days, I have come to feel that I am beginning to be that light. Not through grand public gestures, but in the way I live my life, day to day.

My patriarchal blessing continues: " let your light shine that others may see it and bring glory to the Father." I feel very much like Ammon when he said: "I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things... Therefore, let us glory, yes, we will glory in the Lord; yea, we will rejoice, for our joy is full; yea, we will praise our God forever. Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord?... Now if this is boasting, even so will I boast; for this is my light and my life, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God" (Alma 26:11-12,16,36).

I am thrilled to be a light in Israel. Not because I want people to notice and admire me, but because I want to be an instrument in God's hand to strengthen and uplift his children. I have no lofty thoughts of myself, and have no desire to be distinguished from others. But God has called me to be different, to be a light unto others, and who am I to reject the call?

As I was thinking about the properties of a light, I had an epiphany. People don't need a light when everything is bright and clear; they need it when it is dark. I could not shine forth as a light, except out of a place of darkness. I think this may be part of the reason why I was chosen to be the mother of a spirit whose earthly experience would be relatively short. I needed to be thrust into such darkness that my faith could clearly be seen as the light that led me out of it.

I share my thoughts and feelings with the world, because I know that everyone is going to experience some tragedy, some point in their lives when they are doing all they can but something goes horribly "wrong" anyway. If people can see how I have trusted in the Lord and relief on my faith to carry me through the darkness, then perhaps they will have the strength necessary to do the same when faced with their own time of great darkness and confusion. Like Ammon, I do not glory in myself, for I am all too aware of my weaknesses and shortcomings. But I glory in my God, and I am humbled and delighted that I can be an instrument in his hands to strengthen and uplift others. He has blessed me with the strength to stand out and make a difference, and it is my duty to bless the lives of others with the gifts that God has given me.

This is also why I write, why I so publicly share my most personal thoughts and feelings. I believe that God has blessed me with the ability to express myself in such a way as to touch the hearts of those who hear and read my words. Should I not then use this gift to strengthen and give hope to my brothers and sisters, God's children? And how could my writing affect people if I did not have such thought-provoking and faith-defining experiences to write about?

God is in complete control. I admit, there are parts of his plan that I simply do not understand. But I know that in the eternal scheme of things, everything makes sense. One day I will understand why my life had to be this way. But for now, I walk by faith.

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Not Sure What to Call This

2010-10-06T03:01:00.001-06:00

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. My mind is racing like crazy. This has already been such an emotionally charged week, and the worst is yet to come.

General Conference was great. It has always been something that I look forward to. As I listened to the words of the prophet, apostles, and others, I was filled with peace and joy. But at the same time, it made me think of the last Sunday we spent with Riley. It was General Conference weekend, one year ago. I was having so much fun taking pictures and videos of Riley, and I took some great ones of the two of us together. Life was perfect; I had everything I ever wanted in life -- an incredible husband, a darling son, and a degree from BYU. I lived in blissful ignorance of the tremendous pain that lay ahead of me. It was quite possibly the most perfect day of my life.

The next day was Jeffrey's birthday, October 5. I remember it was a long, but uneventful day. We didn't do anything special. I didn't even make a nice dinner. I figured we would just celebrate that weekend when we went out for dinner. I had no idea that we would never make it on that date.

Then came October 6. It seemed so much like every other day. Jeffrey went to school and work, and I stayed home with Riley. I remember we watched some tv shows online together. I also remember that Riley got really fussy, and after trying everything I could think of, I was at my wit's end. I remember bundling him up and taking him out onto the cool evening air. I sat out there for a while, and finally he was calm. Later that night, he was crying so much. I was trying to get him to calm down and fall asleep, but he just didn't want to. Oh, if only I had known what I'm now sure Riley already knew. We finally got him to sleep and I sat down at the computer to destress. I didn't even kiss my baby goodnight.

I'm sorry, I will have to finish this later. It's just too much for me.

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I Got Mom Power

2010-10-01T11:28:00.003-06:00

So, my cousins have this awesome site, http://igotmompower.com/ . It's "a place for moms by moms" and they have asked me to be an article contributor (that's why I haven't blogged in a few weeks). But I thought this would be a good place to include my articles, and let people know about their website.

From September 18: Stay At Home Mom... Real Perspective

Some people think being a stay-at-home mom is all fun and games. Others think that it is belittling and degrading, or that it in some way insults a woman’s potential in life. As a full-time mother, I can honestly say that both these notions are as far away from the truth as you can get. Being a full-time caregiver is an incredibly demanding job – physically and emotionally. There are no vacations and no sick days. You are “on call” around the clock. It involves many moments where you have to give up what you want in order to give your child what they need. When my husband and I decided that I should stay home and raise our children, we knew that he would be our sole source of income and we would have to give up many of the luxuries that families with dual incomes often enjoy. But we are happy with the decision we made for me to spend all my time at home. I believe that being a mother is the most noble and selfless role that any woman can hold, and devoting all your time to motherhood is the most fulfilling thing you can ever know.

Nine months into our marriage, we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world, and I quit work to stay home with him. Everyday with my son was full of so much joy and happiness. Still, it was hard not to feel a little bit jealous when I heard about our friends buying homes and nicer cars, traveling the world, taking cruises. I sometimes wondered what our life would be like if I was able to bring home money too.

Then the unthinkable happened. We lost our darling son to SIDS when he was four months old. Our world was shattered and we were suddenly thrust back into a life without any children to care for. Eventually I went back to work, but it was so unfulfilling that I hated going. With both of us working, we had more money than ever, but I just wanted to have my son back home with us. I was willing to give up every penny to my name, if only I could spend another moment with my boy.

Now that we are parents again, I try to take advantage of every moment with my daughter. I am never tempted to go back to work, because I don’t want to miss a single minute of my baby girl’s life. Spending my time with her fills me with a sense of joy and accomplishment that I know I could never get from a career, no matter how much money I made. We have to sacrifice a lot for me to be able to stay home, but it is all worth it. Motherhood is the most demanding and fulfilling job that any woman could ever hold. I am proud to be a full-time mom.

From September 25: Love After Baby

Once upon a time, marriage was romantic. There were weekend getaways, nights out dancing, dinner at romantic restaurants, flowers and chocolates “just because,” impromptu midnight picnics so you could look at the stars. It was so easy to remember why you fell in love. Then came baby.

Now weekends are spent trying to catch up on cleaning, nights are spent changing diapers, dinner is usually late and very simple, all your extra spending money now belongs to the never-ending diaper fund, and by the time midnight rolls around you’re so exhausted you want nothing more than to crawl into bed and fall asleep. So how do you keep your romantic love going strong?

As a young mother, I have learned that grand romantic gestures just aren’t as feasible as they used to be. For the most part, you can expect every moment with your husband to include baby as well. That’s why it is so important to make sure the two of you do get some alone time. We try to aim for one date night (or day) a month where we find a babysitter and go out, just the two of us. Getting to know your spouse is a never-ending process, and these special dates ensure that we are constantly renewing our friendship and relationship with each other. We have to make sure we are getting “couple time” in addition to “family time.” But what about all the other days when the monotony of dirty diapers and keeping baby happy threatens to snuff out all hope of romance?

What I have found works for my husband and me is to fill our day with small romantic gestures. Every morning before he leaves, my husband kisses me goodbye. And every evening when he comes home, I greet him with a kiss and a smile, no matter how exhausted or stressed out I may be feeling. I try to say “I love you” at least once a day. Another thing I love to do is flirt with my husband. Nothing over-the-top that would traumatize my children, but a flirty smile across the dinner table, or a quick wink from across the room. And when we finally turn in for the night, I always try to fall asleep cuddling with him (or at least holding his hand if it’s too hot to cuddle). These small gestures take no extra time, and very little effort, but they make such a huge difference in our relationship. They fill our day with tiny instances where it’s just us, expressing our love for each other. Then baby cries out, and we’re back to reality. But at least then we can look at each other, smile, and remember, “Oh yes, even the baby is proof of how much we are in love.”

A House of Order

2010-09-13T01:36:00.001-06:00

Growing up, I always struggled to keep my room clean. To be honest, it was almost never clean. To my mom's credit, she tried her hardest to instill in me an appreciation for cleanliness and order. I guess I just wasn't receptive, or maybe it was just my way of being rebellious (I guess at least it was better than most of the typical ways that teenagers rebel). Now that I am in charge of my own home, I am really regretting my lack of preparation in the realm of cleanliness and order.

Lately, I have felt that it is very important for me to not only get our home clean and organized, but to develop the habit of keeping it that way. I do love having an organized home, and I always want it to be a place of refuge, a place that my husband looks forward to coming home to, a place where the Spirit can be felt.

I found the online archive for handouts that have been used at past BYU Education Weeks and came across a class that focused on home organization. I thought I would share what I learned, and how I have been trying to apply it.

All chores should be categorized as daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, or semi-annually. Daily jobs keep the home neat and tidy. These are things like washing and putting away dishes, making sure dirty clothes end up in the hamper, hanging up coats, etc. Weekly jobs keep the home clean. These are things like vacuuming and mopping, cleaning the bathroom sink, decluttering the desk, etc. Monthly jobs are things that can go a little longer without having to be done -- like cleaning the toilet, washing the car, washing your bedding, etc. Quarterly and semi-annual jobs include things like cleaning out the fridge, deep-cleaning the stove, vacuuming the furniture, etc.

The first thing I did was categorize all the different cleaning chores. Then I made a schedule. I split up my daily jobs into morning and evening chores. In the morning I make the bed, fix the couch cover, and make sure clothes and shoes have been properly put away. In the evening I wash all the dishes, wipe down the stove, and sweep. In the afternoon I do my weekly job: clean bathroom sink and mirror (Monday); clean microwave, burners, drip pans, and stove hood (Tuesday); mop all the tile flooring (Wednesday); vacuum all the carpeted floors (Thursday); declutter the desk (Friday); and do the laundry (Saturday). Saturday is also when I do my monthly and bigger jobs. First Saturday: pay bills and clean the car. Second Saturday: clean toilet and shower. Third Saturday: wash bedding and do big job. Fourth Saturday: dust shelves and clean chairs. Each month I do one of the big jobs: vacuum furniture, deep clean the stove, wash the shower curtains, wash the windows, clean out the fridge and freezer.

In addition to all of this, I spend some time every day organizing part of our home. I decided to spend a week in each room so that I wouldn't get too overwhelmed. For example, during the living room week, one day is devoted to organizing the bookcases. Another day is organizing all our music -- putting music the piano bench, and our instrumental music in our big wooden chest. For the kitchen week, one day is devoted to organizing drawers and making sure everything is in a convenient and sensible place; more frequently used items should be more accessible. Anyway, I planned out what small area I will focus on each day. It's only about a half hour, so it's completely manageable and our home will gradually, but daily, become cleaner and better organized.

I have only been doing this for a few days, but I am so excited about it. To help me remember to do everything, I had to set multiple alarms to go off throughout the day (10am is morning chores, 3pm is weekly chore, 7pm is evening chores). It seems kind of silly, but the constant reminders help me to get everything done.

Since all of my friends seem to be incredibly neat and organized people, I'm not sure if anyone will find this useful. But just in case this does help someone else like me who desperately wants to learn to keep a cleaner home, I'm glad I decided to share this with the world.

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The first two years of eternity (complete with pics)

2010-08-30T21:55:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, Jeffrey and I celebrated our two year anniversary. I still can't believe we have been married that long. And yet we have been through so much together.

We had a wonderful day together. After church, Jeffrey gave me a bouquet of roses. I'm not sure when he got them, or where he hid them, but he gets extra brownie points for getting flowers in advance for our Sunday anniversary. We exchanged gifts -- a bath pillow, and a bamboo sushi mat. We are so much alike, that we will both benefit equally from each gift.

Then we prepared a very romantic dinner together. We had brie-stuffed puff pastries as an appetizer. Our main course was lemon-garlic steak, au gratin potatoes, and garlic-basil tomatoes with mozzarella. It was all followed by a rich turtle cheesecake (one layer plain cheesecake, one layer chocolate cheesecake, topped with drizzled caramel).

After eating, we took Bekka and went down to the cemetery to visit Riley. It was a beautiful day, and it was Bekka's first time visiting him. His headstone is finally in, and it turned out really nice.

In the last two years I have learned so much. About love, about parenting, about the gospel, about myself. We are not the same people we were two years ago. We are stronger and wiser, and much more in love.

Love is an amazingly beautiful thing. If there is anything I have learned about marital love it's that it's a lot less about romance and excitement, and a lot more about commitment and sacrifice. Sure it's important to keep the romance alive, and Jeffrey and I do a pretty good job about continuing our courtship. (It still makes my day when he gets me flowers, we have been on a lot of dates since we've been married, and our anniversary dinner was incredibly romantic.) But let's face it, most days consist of my taking care of the baby and the house while he is at work or school, or working on homework and projects. The next four months, Jeffrey is going to be so busy with school and work that I will hardly see him. And when he is home, he will most likely be focusing on his schoolwork. As much as I wish it were otherwise, there will be little time for grand romantic gestures or date nights. But I know that come December, I will love Jeffrey even more than I do now. And that's because our love is not based on romance, but on our commitment to each other and the covenants we have made. I would gladly give up all the flowers and chocolates and cards in the world to know without a shadow of a doubt that my husband is eternally committed to me and our family. We may not always agree, but because we are committed to making this marriage work, I know we will always work out our disagreements with love and respect. I know that no matter what I go through, my husband will be by my side supporting me. And I know that no matter what challenges may come our way, we, with God's help, will overcome it and emerge with an even stronger sense of love for and commitment to each other. At the end of the day, love isn't about whether you can enjoy doing fun things together when life is good. Love is about enjoying each other's company during the mundane everyday life, and wanting to be together even when life gets rough. I do like the part in traditional wedding vows that talks about " for better or worse." I know our love is good because it doesn't just survive when life is good -- it thrives and flourishes always, even when we are faced with difficult challenges.

Two kids in two years has taught me a lot about parenting. Not to mention the lessons I have learned since losing Riley. It's another kind of love, one you can't understand until you feel it yourself. I remember being filled with so much love the moment I found out I was expecting our first child. I remember I just felt pregnant even though it was too early for me to take a test. I took one as soon as I could, and sure enough, it was positive. From the very beginning, Riley and I had such a special bond. I miss his cuddles, I miss the way his face would light up and he would get a big smile when he saw me, I miss how upset he got every time I went to shower and how quickly he calmed down once I was holding him again. And yet, I can have joy and peace knowing that my beautiful son is guaranteed a place in the celestial kingdom. As great as my pain is being physically separated from my firstborn child, I can imagine no greater pain than being separated spirituality. How painful must it be to worry about a wayward child and not know if they will qualify for the blessings of exaltation. At least now I know that Riley will receive a place in God's presence, and it is just up to me to make sure I get there too.

Rebekah has taught me so much about love and parenting too. My pregnancy with Bekka was very different. I spent the entire pregnancy struggling with depression and anxiety. Yes, I was happy to be expecting again, but I was so scared and unsure about everything. I didn't know how my heart would react to a new child. One of my biggest concerns was my ability to give my full love. I felt that when Riley was born, I was able to love him with all my heart, nothing held back. But after Riley left, I felt that there was part of my heart that would always belong exclusively to him, and that it would always feel empty. I worried that I would not be able to love Bekka with my whole heart because part of it was reserved for Riley. But the moment I heard her crying and saw her beautiful little body, I loved her so completely. I knew I wasn't holding back any of my love. I don't really understand how it works, how I love two children so completely, but in such different ways. I guess that is one of the miracles of parenting. I'm beginning to understand, on a very small and imperfect scale, God's love for all of us. He loves all of his children perfectly. Just because I am not perfect doesn't mean that he loves me any less than someone who is more righteous. I love my two babies. But I do love them in very different ways. Riley will always be my perfect child. When he was here, life was perfect and beautiful. He will never talk back to me or make unwise decisions. He is already guaranteed his place in the celestial kingdom, and my love for him motivates me to do all I can to make sure I get there too. Bekka will always be my little angel of healing. Conceived in my sorrow, she has taught me how to be happy again. She brought true joy back into my life. She rekindled the fire in my heart to live life to the fullest. Before she came, I thought only to endure life. But now that she is here, I want to fully enjoy life. She brought purpose and meaning back into my life. I felt so empty without a child to care for, and now I feel so fulfilled. As she grows up she is bound to make mistakes, but I will still love her fully and completely.

My knowledge and appreciation for the gospel -- the atonement, the Savior, eternal families, the temple, the plan of salvation -- has grown so much. Every thing I thought I knew has been confirmed to me. I have such a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father and with Jesus Christ.

I have learned so much about myself -- how strong I am, what I can endure, how much I truly do believe. I don't know that I'll ever be able to feel grateful for what we have gone through, but I can see some of the good that has come from it. I am so much closer to God, and to my husband as well. I feel that I have a greater capacity to love. I have an even stronger testimony of my Savior and his Atonement that allows me to be made perfect and one day return to live not only with my Heavenly Father, but with my family -- my incredible husband and my beautiful children -- for all eternity.

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Running faster than I have strength

2010-08-28T01:34:00.001-06:00

I have always struggled with perfectionism. It does have some benefits, like always producing super cute (at least in my opinion) crafts and whatnot. But at times it can be discouraging.

I want to do everything that the perfect wife, mother, homemaker, woman, person would do. I am constantly starting new projects to improve myself. Not that it's a bad thing. In fact, it's a very good thing to set goals and try to be better. But sometimes I put way more on my plate than I can handle. In addition to reading from the scriptures, I am reading all the corresponding information in the Institute manual. I try to read at least one Ensign article every day. I also want to start reading the Book of Mormon in French with Bekka, in addition to my personal study.

In the house keeping realm of life, I have been trying to get our house organized and keep it spotless. I made an awesome chore calendar, complete with daily, weekly, monthly, and quarterly jobs. I have planned out what I should do each day. Now, I really want to be able to implement this effectively, but it's just a lot harder to clean the house when Bekka gets upset every time I set her down. I don't want to be in the middle of scrubbing the toilet when she decides to let me know that she wants to cuddle. So overall, it's just a lot more difficult to get these things done than I anticipated. But that doesn't mean that I'm nor hard on myself for failing to keep up with the goals that I made.

In addition to expecting myself to keep a sparkling clean home, I feel bad every time I don't have dinner waiting or already cooking by the time Jeffrey gets home (which has been very often recently).

On a more literal level, I know sometimes I push myself physically more than I should. I have been feeling a lot of pressure to get back in shape so that I can be healthier and have the energy I will need to take care of Bekka. But sometimes I get impatient even though I know that it is a gradual process. And instead of slowly building up my stamina and endurance, I go out and try to do too much. I have only gone on a couple leisurely walks since Bekka has been born. So I was feeling kind of discouraged when I wasn't losing weight like I wanted to. In this situation I had two bad reactions. First, I felt depressed and discouraged, as if I were doomed to continuously gain weight and get more unhealthy with every passing day. Such thoughts deter me from even trying because I feel that it is impossible. My discouragement then gives way to self-disappointment for allowing myself to get in that condition. This is usually followed by a day or two of strict dieting and physical exercise. Of course, after that, I'm so physically exhausted that all I want to do is lay in bed and snack all day long.

I guess I just have in my mind these notions of what a good wife and mother and woman should be like. And yes, I admit that my ideas of what I need to be are very... ambitious. But I can't help it. I feel like I should be able to do all these things and balance life with ease. But I guess that's a something that people spend their whole lives trying to figure out. One day, I'll be perfect. But I'm pretty sure it won't be in this lifetime.

I think of my challenge as the quest for perfection. But maybe my real challenge is to accept my best effort, regardless of its proximity to my idea of perfection.

I suppose as long as my heart is in the right place, I'm doing okay. And I know that my family will benefit more from a loving but less-than-perfect mother than they would from a mother who spends so much time trying to accomplish temporal goals that she fails to offer the love and support that they need.

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One more test

2010-08-26T17:58:00.001-06:00

So I wanted to see how well the picture/ video uploader worked on here (plus I'm having fun with my new SlideIT keyboard).

This is my favorite video (the background noises are from Jeffrey).

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Testing 1...2...3

2010-08-26T17:02:00.001-06:00

So I found a blogger app for my Android, and I thought I'd see how I like it. Today has been one of those days where I just haven't been able to get anything done. Bekka just wants to cuddle, and I'm totally fine with that, but it means I really can't do anything. Especially since she wants to cuddle laying down.

Well, I thought I'd share some of my thoughts on technology, since I have been using a lot of it lately. We live in such an incredible time! I can cuddle with my baby girl, and still get so much done. I downloaded the gospel library on my phone, and it is one of my favorite things! I can do my scripture study whenever, wherever. I usually do it while feeding Bekka, so I get it done first thing in the morning. I am even able to highlight and make notes and my phone saves them. It's incredible!

Another thing I got on my phone is an app that gives me access to the current edition of the Ensign. (There is a version that gives you access to all of them, but you have to pay for it. I might end up getting it though, because it's just do great.) So after I'm done with my scripture study, I usually read an article or two out of the Ensign. I've never been very good about reading all the articles every month, but now it is just so easy. And I find that I run out of articles to read before the end of the month (which is why I'm seriously considering buying the full version).

Another app I got gives me access to the text and audio files for the past ten years of General Conference. Sometimes I read the talks, but my favorite thing to do is listen to them when I take Bekka on walks.

I also got a free Kindle app on my phone that allows me to read any book I purchase for the Kindle. Since they offer a lot of free books, those are the ones I have downloaded. It always seems so hard to find the time to read, but now I can do it whenever I feed or cuddle with Bekka. And of course, a lot of the free books are classics that I have always wanted to read. I am currently reading a book by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, but I recently downloaded the complete works of Jane Austen, and am really looking forward to reading all of her books.

Another thing I love about my phone is how easily I can keep in touch with friends and family. I get email, Facebook, chat. I know that technology can actually make socializing harder for some people who would rather keep their relationships digital, but living away from all my family means that I rely heavily on technology to stay in touch. I love how I can chat with my mom, send text messages to my little brother, view pictures of my niece and nephew, send emails to my dad, talk with my little sister. And it is so much easier to keep them up to date on what is going on in my life. I can take pictures and videos and instantly send them in a text or email, or post them online. Since none of my parents have been able to meet Bekka yet, this is especially nice to be able to do.

And now my recent find is that I can update my blogs, all while laying down and cuddling with my baby girl. I know that technology can easily become a distraction in our lives, and I admit that at times in the past I have fallen victim to that trap. But it can also be an incredible tool to uplift our lives. There are so many wonderful things literally at our fingertips, and if we use technology wisely, it can truly be a blessing in or lives. I have never been more diligent in my scripture study, or more eager to read the words of the prophets. I have never been in such constant contact with my loved ones. It truly is incredible, and I am so grateful to live in a time when all this is possible.

(This entire post was written on my phone while I was laying down and cuddling with my beautiful princess.)

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Living the Young Women's Values

2010-08-25T14:32:00.000-06:00

While updating my other blog, I commented on how bringing a baby into a family is the epitome of living the young women's values. I thought it would be a good thing to put on this blog too. I am so grateful for all of my teachers and leaders (including my wonderful mom) who taught me to love and cherish these values. This is what I wrote:

It took so much faith to bring this sweet baby into the world. How can I not acknowledge my own divine nature when I see the divine nature of one who was so recently in the presence of God? Nothing can build a woman's sense of individual worth like being a mother -- having this tiny person not only depend on you, but love you so completely. You may lose sleep and sanity with a newborn, but one thing you gain is a knowledge of the beauty of life and of God's plan of happiness. What greater lesson of choice and accountability than having one's own child? I chose to bring this beautiful soul into the world, and I am now accountable to love and care for her, and to bring her up in the paths of righteousness. When it comes to good works, what can be better than providing a tabernacle for one of God's beloved spirit children? What can be better than loving, nurturing, and protecting this child? Parenthood teaches you a lot aboutintegrity, because you realize that you really have to be living the way you want to teach your children to be. For virtue, it is so incredible to see the differences between the situations where a child is brought into the world properly (to a man and woman, legally and lawfully married), and when a child is the result of a lack of virtue. Bringing a child into an eternal family founded on love and the gospel is one of the most important things we can do for our children. The blessing of having my husband with me to raise our daughter is invaluable. Not only does he help me in so many ways, but I never have to worry that he will walk away, as some men do from more casual relationships. Everyday I am grateful that I made the virtuous decision to wait until marriage.

One Month Update

2010-08-24T23:08:00.001-06:00

So, apparently I need to update this blog. I suppose it has been about a month since the last time I wrote.

Life is good. True, my life is not what I expected it to be. Yes, I'm up to my sleep-deprived eyeballs in dirty diapers and spit up. But I am happy! It feels so good to be happy again. Don't get me wrong, my heart still aches for my beautiful Riley. And it will until I am with him again. But I have purpose and meaning in my life again. I love my precious Bekka. She is here now, and she needs me now. I know it won't always be easy, but I try to channel my sorrow from missing Riley into being a better mommy to Bekka.

The last month has gone by so quickly. She hasn't changed too much. She's gained a little bit of weight and is a bit more awake and alert. But there's one thing that definitely has not changed -- If she's not eating, she better be cuddling, or she is not a happy camper. This can make nighttimes very long and exhausting. I can pretty much only set her in her crib once she is fast asleep. But that can take a long time. So I admit that some times I just hold her on my chest so that we can both get some sleep. I don't want her to get used to sleeping in our bed, but sometimes (like when we have to be up for 8:30 church) I just don't want to spend all night trying to get her to sleep in her crib.

On another note, Jeffrey and I have our two-year anniversary coming up this Sunday. I really can't believe it has been two years! A lot has happened since we've been married, but it has only strengthened our testimonies and our love and commitment to each other.

Well, enough about me for now. I know you are all much more interested in Bekka anyway! Here are the links to my three Facebook albums of her pictures (that's almost 600 pictures!) And you do not need to have Facebook to be able to see them.

Album 1
Album 2
Album 3

She's Finally Here!

2010-07-28T21:10:00.000-06:00

Rebekah Leilani Lund was born by scheduled c-section on Wednesday, July 21, at 8:34 am. She weighed 8 pounds, 2 ounces and measured 20 inches long. We have been home since Sunday, and are readjusting to parenthood a lot more smoothly than I expected. For the past few days, Bekka has had to be in constant phototherapy to treat elevated bilirubin levels (which causes jaundice). Luckily, we are able to give her this treatment at home. Hopefully it will all clear up by the end of the week. Other than that, she is perfectly happy and healthy. She is such an incredible blessing to us. When I hold her, I feel nothing but peace and happiness and love.

For more pictures see my Facebook album (you don't have to have a Facebook account to be able to see it through this link.)

2010-06-20T23:18:00.000-06:00

So I totally tested Kelli tonight. I found this programming game disguised as a puzzle game...honestly though it had a main method, with functions and recursion and conditionals and yeah...just because its a drag and drop picture commands doesn't mean its not programming. Turns out Kelli is great at it - better than me in fact. She could so be a programmer. Also, she will probably call me a stinker for telling the world this fact. :)

2010-06-15T19:45:00.002-06:00

So I recently found out that I am supposed to be posting stuff on here too. I thought this blog was Kelli's. I guess the name of the blog should have tipped me off, but I'm not very smart like that....

Anywho, today was a good day for me. I like to set weekly goals and I already reached it. It was related to my new research job in the NLP lab. Pretty fun stuff but most people's eyes glaze over when I actually describe what it is that I do. Kelli sometimes pretends to pay attention, but I can't even teach her to do a hello world in python.

Also, today I discovered that on campus you can get espn streamed online. Normally I don't care since I don't really watch stuff. I don't think we even plugged our tv in for the first year of our marriage. Its currently unplugged again. However, the world cup is going on and that is pretty much awesome. I watched US vs England, and we barely pulled off a tie by dumb luck. Ivory coast and Portugual was a interest match to watch. The best was watching Brasil and North Korea go at it. I was suprized at how well Korea did. They certainly were stubborn, but ultimatly Brasil prevailed 2-1. This is going to be fun to watch all the way through!

Kelli says I'm also supposed to talk about me thoughts and feelings. I'm pretty excited about the baby coming in a month and a half. That should be a lot of fun. Then again I don't have to do the whole delivery thing. Guess I lucked out there! I like my new job. I think that the new version of Ubuntu has an ugly default theme. I feel silly having done Kelli's toes and then having her redo it moments later. These were all suggestions from Kelli as to what I should feel something about. So there you have it - my thoughts and feelings. Tchau!

2010-06-14T20:18:00.003-06:00

It's been a while since I last wrote.

For Riley's birthday we took some flowers down to the cemetery. We also finalized the order on his headstone, so I think that should be in by next week. Then Jeffrey and I were able to go to the temple. It was so beautiful and peaceful. Leading up to that day, I was really worried about how things were going to be when Bekka gets here. I was worried because I felt like I didn't want to be happy. But as we sat in the celestial room, I realized that I was happy, and excited too. The past two weeks I have been thinking a lot more about Rebekah, and getting ready for her arrival. I guess part of me just wanted to make sure that Riley had his special day before I started focusing so much on the new baby.

At my last doctor's appointment, the doctor said that he thinks this baby is going to be big too, and that I'll likely end up needing a c-section. So Jeffrey and I decided that we are just going to schedule a c-section. We haven't set up a date with the doctor yet, but we'll do that at my appointment next week. He said we could schedule the c-section up to a week before the due date, so she could actually be here in a little over 5 weeks!

There has been a lot of rearranging in our ward, and Jeffrey and I both got new callings. I am now the first counselor in the Primary presidency, and he is the first counselor in the Sunday School presidency. We were just sustained yesterday, but I already love my new calling. Since all of our singing time materials are pretty outdated, I made a new pocket board, where each animal has a different song written on the back.

Lately I've been feeling like there's a lot more I can be doing to improve myself, strengthen my testimony, and draw closer to the Lord. So I created a 365-day "project" that I started today. I made a blog specifically for that. You can take a look at it HERE.

Aside from all that, I've just been doing a lot of unpacking to get our home ready for Bekka. There's still a lot to do, but I've been making lots of progress too. I've also done a lot of digi-scrapbooking, which is tons of fun! Oh, and here is a picture of some cardboard shelves I made for our VHS tapes. I added another shelf and started covering it with nicer paper since I took the picture, but it's not done yet, so you'll have to wait to see it.

Mother's Day, Moving, and the Month of May

2010-05-21T11:25:00.000-06:00

The day before Mother's Day, Jeffrey and I attended a remembrance walk dedicated to babies who have passed away. There was a slide show with the names and pictures of these precious children. Many of them were stillborn or suffered complications after birth and did not make it. Some of them were born with congenital conditions that drastically shortened their lives, and some of them, like our sweet Riley, were lost without any malady that medicine could find.

When Riley's picture came up in the slide show, I just started crying. Even though I was in public, it felt good to just cry and miss my baby. And I knew that nobody there would judge me, because they all knew - to some degree or another - the pain that tore at my heart.

When I think about Riley, I picture him as a missionary in the spirit world. I picture him as a grown man of 20 or so -- how he would have looked if he had lived to serve a full-time mission here on earth. It's funny how I can think of him being so near to my own age, and still think of him as my baby boy. Sometimes it is very hard for me to look at pictures of Riley. Don't get me wrong, we have picture of him up in our apartment, and we talk about him often. But sometimes it's hard for me to see him as that little baby. Because no matter how hard I fight it, every time I think about him being alive and well, I always end up thinking about the night that everything changed. Losing a child is one of the greatest pains the human heart can know. But to have that coupled with such a traumatic experience as we had that night -- at times it is more than I can bear. I think that's the hardest part for me, reliving that night in my mind. And every time I look at pictures of my baby boy, my mind inevitably ends up in that horrible place.

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Mother's Day was hard too. I remember last year being so close to Riley's due date and feeling him kick and stretch in my belly. And this year I felt Rebekah wiggling and dancing. It is so hard to have such mixed emotions. I love feeling little Bekka moving around, but sometimes I worry that I will forget things about Riley as I have more children. When I think of the things he did, it is easy to know that they are memories of him because so far he is the only child we have had. But in ten years from now, when I remember something silly that my baby did, will I be able to know for sure if it was Riley? Or was it perhaps one of his younger brothers and sisters? I'm so afraid to forget. I try to write down the things that Riley did, but so many things cannot be sufficiently captured in words. I am so afraid to forget things about my baby.

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Two days after Mother's Day, we moved into our new apartment (so that we could officially be in the ward boundaries). I like living closer to all our friends, and recognizing and knowing all the people that live around us. But I've had a hard time adjusting. This new apartment is the exact same layout as the one we just moved from, but it feels so different. This is the apartment that will be Bekka's first home. And sooner or later in the next two months, I will have to unpack the baby stuff. Things I haven't looked at since Riley left -- like his baby bath and his bouncy chair. Part of me is so impatient for Bekka to be here, so that I can hold her and look into her beautiful brown eyes (I suppose there is a very slim chance that Jeffrey and I could have a child with light colored eyes, but I'm pretty certain that all our children will have the same big brown eyes). But the other part of me is so scared. What if it happens again? What if something else is wrong? I wonder if I will be able to be as good of a mother as I want to be. I sometimes wonder if I'm really ready for this, if I can do this. I know I will try my best, but will it be enough?

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Riley's birthday is coming up in less than two weeks. Combined with everything else that has gone on these past few weeks, I feel like I am emotionally burned out. I don't know what we are going to do on his birthday, but I want to do something to celebrate the time we got to share with him and to celebrate his part in our eternal family.

Fun with my Cricut

2010-05-03T20:10:00.001-06:00

My mommy gave me a Cricut for my birthday and I used it for the first time today to make some Mother's Day cards.

One Year Older and Wiser Too

2010-04-30T12:59:00.004-06:00

Well, a few weeks ago I turned 22. Since my brother got married the day before my birthday, and Jeffrey had to be back for classes the day after my birthday, I spent the majority of my special day in the car, driving back from Idaho. It wasn't the most glamorous of celebrations, but I did get to see every one in my immediate family (except for my newly-married brother) on my actual birthday. That hasn't happened in over a decade. And last time it did happen, I had 4 fewer siblings. So that was actually really special.

This is the cake I made for my brother's wedding. I made everything in advance (in Utah), drove up Friday night, and spent several hours on Saturday assembling the cake for the reception that night. After working with so much cake, I wasn't really in the mood for my own birthday cake

Once Jeffrey got done with all his final projects that were due on the last day of class (two days after my birthday), he and I were able to go out and celebrate. We went to Red Robin's one night (because I'm in the birthday club and got a free burger) and then to Tucano's a few nights later (because I'm in their birthday club too, so I got a free a meal). Oh, and Jeffrey gave me such cute gifts! The first one (which he gave to me a few days early) was a pink pot holder (the glove kind). He gave it to me when I was baking the cake so that I wouldn't burn my cute little fingers like last time. He also gave me a cakelet pan with cute little spring bugs (like bees and ladybugs and butterflies). I haven't been able to try it out yet, but I'm so excited to finally get to.

Well, since all my birthday festivities, we've had a few notable experiences. I took my glucose screening and I failed, so the doctor thought I might have gestational diabetes. I needed to get a 3-hour follow up test to make sure, but I put it off for a week because I knew we were going to be going out for a few occasions, and I didn't want to have to worry about what I was eating.

Our first fun outing was with our group of friends from before we got married. Our friend Nate graduated, and he was the first one from our group to be leaving Provo, so we all wanted to get together one more time. We were going to have a barbeque, but of course it rained! So we went to Denny's instead (which was always one of our favorite places to go together), and then went back to our friends' apartment to play games.

A few days later we had a big get-together with our Lund side of the family at Sizzler's. It was so much fun to see everyone, and to meet some of the family that I've only talked with online. After dinner, a few of us went to our cousins' house and played games and watched Avatar.

This past Sunday, Jeffrey was called to be first counselor in the Elder's quorum. I think it's a wonderful calling for him, and it will probably force him to be more social (which is a good thing).

I finally went in for my 3-hour diabetes test this week. I had to go in to the doctor's fasting. They took a blood sample, then had me drink a 10 oz. solution containing 100 g of glucose (about 1/2 cup). It was so terribly gross. I got to pick a flavor, but it's not like that helped much. I chose orange, and it was basically like drinking concentrated orange soda syrup.

They drew some blood one hour after the drink, then again an hour later, and a third time and hour after that. They told me if I failed at least two of the draws, I would be diagnosed with gestational diabetes. They called the next day to let me know that I had passed all four blood draws. What a relief! Now I can eat meat, dairy, and sugars without feeling (too) guilty.

Well, this post is getting awfully long, so maybe I'll wait and write about the rest of my fun adventures in another day or two.

Thoughts and Feelings

2010-04-05T10:15:00.000-06:00

I have always looked forward to General Conference weekend. The talks are so uplifting and inspiring, and there is always at least one that seems to have been written specifically for you. This Conference was no exception. But it was a very difficult weekend for me too.

Six months ago, our little family watched the October General Conference from the comfort of our home. It was the last weekend we got to spend with Riley in this life.

Riley would have been ten months old now. I think of everything he would be doing if he were still here. Sometimes I catch myself thinking "He should be standing up now," or other things like that. But I know that he is where he is supposed to be now, so I try to think of it in terms of what he "would" be doing.

I miss his laugh and his smile so much. He was always SO happy. Even his crying made me smile, because most the time it was just big crocodile tears that disappeared as soon as I picked him up. I loved how he always wanted to be with me. He would get so upset when I left him with Jeffrey so I could shower. But as soon as I was holding him again, he was immediately content to snuggle up with me. It's so hard to think that he doesn't need me like that now.

I asked Jeffrey if he missed his family while he was on his mission. He said yes, at times, but mostly he was just so busy doing the Lord's work that he didn't really have time to think about it. I think that's how Riley is. I know he loves us and misses us, but he is too busy to really dwell upon missing us. I like to picture him as a young man, dressed in missionary attire, because I know that he is on the Lord's errand now. It's a little strange how I can imagine him being basically the same age as me, but still feel that he is my little man.

At some point this week (though I have decided to not figure out exactly when) Riley will have been gone for six months. I don't know why that should be more painful and difficult than five months, but it is. I guess it's just hard to think that life really is going on without him here. We're also going to go pick out a headstone for his grave this week. Up until now the ground has been to frozen to put one in. I guess it will offer some closure for us to finally get that put in. Still, it's going to be a difficult week to get through.

And next weekend we will celebrate both my 22nd birthday and my little brother's wedding. It is so strange to simultaneously feel joy and sorrow. The sadness will always be there, because I can never stop missing my little man. But because of the Savior's atonement, I have hope, and I can choose to be happy too.

I cannot control the situation, only my attitude. I have put my trust completely in the Lord. And though life has not turned out how I had hoped and expected, yet can I have joy because I know that our family is truly sealed for all eternity, and I will hold my son again one day, and I will get to hear him say, "Momma, I love you."

Finding a Balance

2010-03-25T11:40:00.000-06:00

It's so hard to find a balance between honoring the past and celebrating the present. This might seem silly to some people, but it's been tearing me up for a while. When I was pregnant with Riley, I was constantly updating my profile picture to proudly show off my ever growing baby bump. And after he was born, all my pictures were of Riley and me. My current picture is from our last Sunday together, and it is one of my most favorite pictures. How can I ever change that?

But at the same time, I feel guilty that I am not celebrating this pregnancy as I should be. I haven't taken a single picture of my baby bump, and I'm 22 weeks along. I guess I can put it off for now, because I know I won't be able to replace a picture of Riley and me with a picture of just me, even if you can see that there is a baby growing. But what about when Baby is born? Will my celebration be diminished if I don't change my profile picture to show my new baby girl? And will I be honoring Riley's memory less if I change the picture?

And the picture is just one example of how I'm torn. When the baby comes, will I be able to use Riley's blankets with her? And when we have another son, will I be able to let him wear Riley's clothes? Or will these things remain unused by another, so that they can be indefinitely preserved in the condition in which Riley last used them?

When we got back to Utah and I realized that our bedding had not been washed since that last night -- that the last time I lay in that bed, I was cuddling with my Riley -- I completely lost it. I cried and cried and clutched at the sheets, not wanting to wash them, but knowing that I had to.

And this next thing is very personal, but I feel that anyone who reads this is a good enough friend to know. At the hospital, they wrapped Riley's body in a soft blue blanket so that we could hold him one last time. When they took him away, they let us keep the blanket. I cannot go to sleep at night unless that blanket is in my arms. I cannot bring myself to wash it, but how long can it go until it needs to be washed? And will I always need it to calm my tears at night? And what happens when we have several children and one of them finds Mommy's nice blue blanket and doesn't know any better than to take it and play with it and make it dirty. Will I get upset because it is Riley's blanket, and not theirs? Will I feel like punishing them for playing with a piece of material that is more valuable to me than the entire world?

I know that there is nothing I can do to bring Riley back in this life. I can't do anything for him right now. But I will have other children who will need their mother. Where is the balance between attending to my sorrow and attending to their needs? It would be naive to think that I could ever get over the pain of being away from my firstborn son. And when I inevitably have a hard day, where my heart breaks again because I miss him so terribly, do I ignore my own pain in order to take care of my children? I'm afraid I may not have any other choice. But what do I do as that pain keeps building and growing? How do I find a way to release it without jeopardizing my relationship with my other children?

I know a lot of these things are bridges that I won't have to cross for some time. But I think about them already, and I honestly don't know how I will handle any of them. I guess all I can really do is have faith that God will help me find the balance, and pray that my future children will understand and know how much I love them.

Pi Day: Memories and Reflections

2010-03-14T22:50:00.010-06:00

Happy Pi Day (3.14)! Two years ago today, I met the man who would become by husband. I could never have imagined where we would be today, but I have been blessed to have him by my side every step of the way! I tease him that the only reason he fell in love with me was because we met on the nerdiest day of the year.

(The first time we took pictures -- three weeks after our first date)

(Jeffrey kept making silly faces -- something he still hasn't stopped doing)

  (Our first cute and normal picture)

MEMORIES

Too many coincidences?

Before I tell you how I met Jeffrey, I need to start about three years ago. I was living in the French House of the Foreign Language Student Residency (FLSR) and was getting ready to go to Paris for the spring term study abroad program. A couple weeks before I was to go, I had some very personal experiences which resulted in a strong feeling that I should not go to France at that time. I was terribly torn. I have always dreamed of going to Paris, and besides, everything was already paid for. But it was such a strong feeling, that I decided to drop out of the program and stay in Utah.

During the spring term that I would have spent in France, I was accepted to stay in the Spanish House. On the first day of the term, a vacancy opened up in the French House, in my best friend's apartment, and so I went through all the hassle and eventually ended up back in the French House. So instead of spending time with new friends and trying to work on a new language (I had taken two semesters of Spanish prior to that point), I just spent all my time with the best friend any girl could ask for.

There had been a lot of turnover in the ward, so we didn't know many people. But the Portuguese men's apartment was full of guys who had been in the ward all the last year with us. We only really knew a couple of them, but we started spending lots of time with them, and soon became fast friends. About halfway through the term, my new friends asked me if I would be willing to move into the Portuguese House. There were only two girls signed up for the summer semester, and they needed at least three to keep the apartment open. They assured me they would help me with the language, and I guess I thought it would be an exciting challenge, so I said yes.

I spent most of the summer term trying to learn basic vocabulary so that I could actually talk with my roommates (you are only supposed to speak the target language while in the apartment). I decided I would stay in the Portuguese House for the next academic year, so that I could really learn the language. I studied a lot on my own, and by winter semester, I was enrolled in Portuguese 315, the first Portuguese class that returned missionaries take. I did very well in the class, if I do say so myself. I even became a sort of poster child for the efficacy of the FLSR because I had learned to speak a language entirely by living there.

One day in March, I was home alone. The apartment phone rang, and though I had never before answered the phone (I had a cell phone and anyone who actually was calling for me would use that number), I picked up that day. It was a guy who had lived in the Portuguese House before, and he was asking if anyone in the apartment was available for a blind date that Friday night. I said I was, because... well, because I was. I was never too big a fan of blind dates, but I figured it would be better than staying home on Friday night again while all my friends were out on dates. I was told that my date's name was Jeff Lund and that he had recently returned from a mission in Brazil. He asked if he could give my number to Jeff, so that he could call me with more details. I said yes, and then wasn't quite sure what I had gotten myself into.

From Jeffrey's Perspective

Jeffrey got home from his mission at the very end of January. Having missed the first month of the semester, he was staying at home with his parents. He soon grew tired of having nothing to do, and decided not to wait until spring term to move back down to BYU. He moved into his apartment in Provo toward the end of February, and busied himself with dating until he could find a job and start classes. I mention this because while I was sitting in my apartment dateless every weekend, Jeffrey had at least two and sometimes four dates on any given weekend.

His first day back in Provo, he had lunch on campus with his younger sister, and they ran into a group of her friends. One of the guys had been her friend in Reno (where they lived for Jeffrey's sophomore and junior year) whom Jeffrey knew but had never really talked to. Nevertheless, they exchanged phone numbers so that Jeffrey could have a friend.

A few weeks later, this friend called Jeffrey and invited him to be part of a multicultural date night, where each couple would be speaking a different language. He asked if Jeffrey knew any girls who spoke Portuguese, but he didn't know any. So this friend said he would find someone. Jeffrey was not too excited about going on a blind date. After all, he wasn't having any trouble at all finding dates. But I suppose he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by rejecting the invitation. So apparently, this friend tried and tried to find a girl to be Jeffrey's date. He finally asked one of his friends (who had lived in the Portuguese House before) if he could find a girl to go on this date. That's when the guy called my apartment, where all the girls spoke Portuguese, and I happened to be the only one home.

The other part of the date was that each couple would contribute a cultural dish to the dinner. There were to be three couples total, and we were in charge of the main dish. Jeffrey called me to figure out the details. He was going to come over at 6pm -- an hour before we were to meet up with the other couples -- and we would cook feijoada (an incredibly simple but most delicious Brazilian dish which consists of black beans, sausage, pork, and pretty much any other meat you want to add).

The First Date

Friday came and though I didn't expect much of the date, I still decided to let my roommates get me all dolled up. Jeffrey showed up, and I thought he was cute and funny. He thought I cute and bubbly, and worried that my personality could either be incredibly charming, or horrifically annoying. (Luckily he decided I was indeed charming.) We had fun cooking and getting to know each other, and by the time we showed up at Heritage Halls for the group date, we knew each other better than anyone else there. I actually didn't know anybody else there, and though he had met the other two guys before, he didn't really know them because they were three years younger than him. So we spent more time talking to each other than anyone else. It might also have been that at ages 21 and 19, we were the oldest two there (everyone else was a freshman).

So we ate dinner and played games, and before we knew it, midnight came and the girls could no longer stay in the apartment (although the lobby was open until 1:30, which is the curfew on Friday nights). We decided it wouldn't be as much fun to continue a date in the lobby, so Jeffrey and I said goodbye and walked back to my apartment, where we decided to watch a short movie that would end just before 1:30. We sat together on a large beanbag-sized stuffed turtle, but we didn't cuddle or hold hands. When 1:30 came, I borrowed my roommate's car and dropped Jeffrey off at his apartment.

As we were saying goodbye (very awkward, because I was still buckled in and he leaned over to give me a hug), he suddenly remembered that he had forgotten his bag of rice at my apartment. Now, you're probably thinking that a bag of rice isn't really expensive, or worth any hassle over, and you may be right. But Jeffrey is also very... prudent with his money. I guess it didn't hurt that he had such a good time on our date (which was a pleasant surprise for both of us, since nobody ever expects much of a blind date). I told him I could drop it off sometime, or he could come by and get it. He said that he had plans on Saturday (turns out it was another date), but that he could probably come over after church on Sunday. I told him that I was in charge of the dinner for my cooking group on Sunday and that I would be making lasagna and that he could come have dinner and get his rice at the same time. He liked the idea, as did I, so we said goodbye until Sunday.

REFLECTIONS

Jeffrey came over on Sunday, and after dinner, we cuddled on the couch and held hands for the first time. If you count the hour and a half we spent together early Saturday morning (which I do), then we have seen each other every day since our first date. We were engaged a little over three months later, and were married about 5 and a half months after our first date. Three days after our nine month anniversary, little Riley joined our family. The four months we got to share with Riley was a time of such incredibly perfect happiness. To me, it is a small insight into how wonderfully joyous and happy we will be when our family is together in eternity.

Since losing Riley, I have come to such an incredibly appreciation for my husband and the covenant marriage that we share. It is such a comfort to know that not only can we rejoice together, but we can mourn together. We are so much closer than I could ever have imagined being with another person. He is truly my best friend, and so much more than my other half. With him, I am complete, but without him, I would be utterly lost. We lean on each other for strength, and we are made stronger because of it.

So much can happen in two years. When I first met Jeffrey, I could never have known that in two years we would be married and already experienced such wonderful lessons on life, and such terrible lessons on death. Though life has gone so completely differently than planned, if I had known all of this when I first met Jeffrey, I would still have wanted to be with him. It is true that we have suffered much pain and grief from the separation between our son and us. But I know that Riley is still our son, and that he is sealed to us for all eternity. Though we miss him dreadfully, I know that he is not lost to us. He is busy doing the Lord's work in the spirit world, and he will be there to welcome us home when we have completed our missions here on earth.

Because of what we have gone through, I now know that no matter what happens in this life, Jeffrey will always be there for me. When I am weak, he will offer me his strength. I hope he feels the same way about me. To have a relationship of such certain trust and love, I would give anything. And indeed, I have. Yes, it has been hard, and I expect it will be for the rest of our lives. But I know with every fiber of my being that I am with the right man. I know I can trust him with every piece of my heart. I know that our love will continue to grow and shine brightly for all eternity. I know that all our children will be blessed to call him father. I know that I am blessed to call him my husband, my love, my best friend.

An Overdue Update

2010-03-10T15:23:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a really long time since I last wrote anything. I guess things have been pretty mediocre lately -- Jeffrey goes to school and work, and I stay home and try to make the apartment look nice.

February was a hard month for me. I don't know exactly what day (I supposed I could do the math, but I don't really want to think about it too much), but around Valentine's Day was when Riley was gone longer than he was here. There were a couple weeks were I just felt so sad and down about everything. I'm doing a lot better now, and Jeffrey is such a wonderful support to me during those times. Despite it all, we did have a good Valentine's Day. Jeffrey surprised me with chocolate, roses, and a very sweet card. I made him one of his favorite meals -- chicken enchiladas.

Well, today I am 20 weeks pregnant, and yesterday we had our big ultrasound. We found out that we are going to have a baby girl! We are very excited and our parents are really looking forward to having a granddaughter. We have started discussing names, but we probably won't tell anyone what we decide until the baby comes. They kept my due date at July 28, but I'm hoping this little girl comes early. She's very squirmy, so hopefully she gets impatient, because the end of the pregnancy is the hardest! And because I ended up needing a C-section with Riley, they can't induce me this time. So if I go too far over, they will just need to do another C-section. It kind of scares me, the thought of being cut open like that, but I guess I recovered before, and I could do it again if need be.

Other good news, we signed an agreement today to transfer into an apartment that is technically and officially in our ward boundaries. We did receive temporary permission to attend the ward, even though we live outside the boundaries, but come May 11, we will be official! Then I suspect we will be staying in that apartment for some time to come. Jeffrey has two more semesters until graduation, but BYU is our school of choice for Jeffrey's masters' program. So we'll probably be here for a few more years.

Well, I'm sure I could come up with millions of unimportant details, but these are the highlights that I think some people will actually be interested in reading about. I'll try to be better about updating this blog when exciting, important, or at least somewhat interesting things happen.

Sweet Moments

2010-01-20T10:46:00.002-07:00

In some ways, Jeffrey and I are very different people. I am romantic, whimsical, and ridiculously idealistic. Jeffrey, on the other hand, is much more practical and realistic. I guess we balance each other out really well. He kind of grounds me down in reality, and I help him see life in an entirely new way. When it comes to expressing our feelings, I say "I love you" and I like to get him something special every now and then to show him how I think of him. To Jeffrey, actions speak much louder than words. What I mean is, for him, the words "I love you" mean nothing, if there are no actions to back it up. And actions can stand alone, without having to "state the obvious." I'll admit, sometimes I wish Jeffrey were more romantic. By bringing home flowers, or giving me a card just to say he loves me, or singing me a love song, or writing me a poem, etc. But this morning, I realized that he is incredibly romantic, in his way, every day.

Jeffrey's alarm went off for school this morning, and being exhausted, I just rolled over and went back to sleep in the large tangle of sheets and blankets on our bed. But as I lay there half asleep, I had the sweetest moment. Jeffrey, before getting ready or doing anything else, came to tuck me in properly. He untangled everything, then one by one, pulled the sheet, the flannel blanket, and the comforter up to my chin and tucked me in. Then he gave me a little kiss on the cheek and went to get ready. And I was just filled with such love and appreciation for my husband. And then right before he left for school, he came back in and gave me another quick kiss on the cheek. I don't know if he does this every morning, because I usually fall back asleep right away. But even if it was just today, it made me realize that everything he does, even when he thinks I'm sleeping, shows me how much he loves me. And every day is full of sweet moments where he does something purely because he loves me. And if his goal was to make me never doubt his love, then he has succeeded. And if his goal was just to make me feel loved, then he has most definitely succeeded. And yet, knowing him, I don't believe he has a goal. I think he does everything simply because he loves me. And that is his way of being romantic, and I feel like the luckiest woman on the earth.

Thoughts About Baby

2010-01-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about how I feel about being pregnant again. I've already alluded to the myriad of emotions swirling around inside me. But while speaking with some friends, simply talking out loud about my feelings, I realized this: I am excited to have another child! For the first time since Riley left, I am looking forward to something. I once again have purpose in my life. After Riley left, I didn't know what to do with myself. Nothing interested me. I didn't even want to be happy. I spent entire days in bed because I just didn't see the point in getting up. I tried, but it was just so hard.

You have tp understand, my entire life I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up: a wife and a mother. Sure I had other goals and desires, but nothing was ever more important than having my own family. My only other major ambition was to graduate from college, and I accomplished that the month of my first wedding anniversary, when our little boy was two months old. And then my life was perfect. I had everything I had ever wanted, everything that was important to me. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, my dream-come-true life was shattered.

I have since come to peace with what has happened in our lives. I have had several sweet confirmations that this was part of God's plan for Riley all along. And I know that Riley was meant to come to our family, to be our son. This has really helped me find peace, especially when I found myself questioning my abilities as a mother. But I know that I am a good mommy and that I did everything I could for my little man.

But when Riley left, I just felt so lost. Instead of looking forward to every day because I would spend it with him, I began dreading every day because I would wake up without him. But now I have something to look forward to again. I'm... Happy. In a little over six months, I will hold Riley's little brother or sister in my arms. Riley is and always will be an important part of our family, but for now, I don't get to take care of him. So I'm really looking forward to having another child to care for. I know that no matter how long we waited, there is a happiness that we will only have when there is another child in our home. There will always be a void where Riley should be, but I believe this child will fill the void of time and energy that we have already dedicated to the care of our children.

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to love this child as much as I love my Riley. But I know that was a ridiculous notion. I will love this child just as intensely as I love Riley. And I know that my love for both of them is stronger than it could have ever been without this experience. I love my Riley, and I love my little Baby #2!

Moving Forward

2010-01-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

Now that we are back in Provo, we have truly begun moving forward with our lives. Not moving on, but forward. Because losing a child isn't something you get over, but something you get through. It is one of those defining moments that will forever shape who we are and who we will become. Riley is a part of our family forever, and though we are physically separated for a time, he continues to affect our lives daily.

Jeffrey is back to school and work. As for me, I have not yet decieded how I will spend all my time. The thought of finding a job breaks my heart, for I have already undergone a complete transition from school and employment to fulltime motherhood. I fear that returning to the workforce would only be a constant and painful reminder of the perfect job I had tending to my sweet Riley.

God has blessed me with so much peace and comfort, and with so much stength and courage. But there are still many times where, suddenly and without warning, I cannot help but despair the distance between my angel son and myself. Yet while I grieve the loss of one child, I prepare for the next one. Yesterday we found out that I am 11 weeks pregnant and expected to deliver on July 28. I am filled with great happiness and excitement, but suffer much anxiety and fear too. Can I be an effective mother when my heart is still heavy with sorrow? Can I give my whole heart to this child when part of it insists on guarding the void exclusively for Riley to fill? What if I lose this child too? Could I survive such torment? Will I be able to assure this child that our desire to bring him or her into this world was not some desperate attempt to replace the child taken from us? Will this child be able to love his (or her) big brother the way that we love him - as if he were still here?

Were it entirely up to me, I may very well have succumbed to my fears and put off having another child indefinitely. But faith and fear cannot coexist, and when God gives you an answer, you had best follow his counsel. And so, despite my fears, I choose to walk by faith.

"The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD" (Job 1:21). -- The Lord has given again; how blessed is his name, how tender are his mercies!

Reflections on Christmas

2009-12-29T21:28:00.002-07:00

Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I feel strong and well. Other times I am reminded how weak I am. Holidays are particularly difficult. These are family days, but I cannot be with the one member of my family whom I have ever truly loved unconditionally -- my son. On Christmas day I was surrounded by family, yet my heart felt the ever present void where my sweet Riley should be. I couldn't help but think about the gifts we would have gotten him, how I would have had to keep him from crawling under the Christmas tree and grabbing ornaments, how I would have let him try mashed potatoes, maybe even a little ice cream. I can't even begin to explain how much it hurts.

And yet, there is hope. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "There would be no Christmas if there had not been an Easter." What a remarkable,yet simple truth! We celebrate the humble birth of Mary's baby because he would one day fulfill his role as the Savior and atone for all mankind. Because of that baby born on that first Christmas, I can be with my baby again.

This Christmas, I have also thought a lot more about Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ. Though I cannot even begin to imagine much of what she experienced, I can understand the pain of losing your firstborn son. Christ was more than just the Savior to her; he was her baby. Through his death, salvation was brought to all mankind. I do not know how many lives my little Riley will touch. In addition to the spirits that he is teaching in the spirit world, his passing softened the hearts of many of our family members, both those who have been inactive and those who are not members of the Church. If his short time on earth helps bring people to God, then it further validates his mission on earth. Perhaps like Christ, though on an infinitely smaller scale, my little Riley needed to have his life shortened, that other lives might be saved and brought to God. And in a small way, I understand Mary's mixture of heart break, and humble gratefulness to have the privilege of being the mother of so great and noble a spirit.

Christmas Hugs & Kisses

2009-12-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

My Auntie Thus and Uncle Nathan gave me a beautiful silver locket for Christmas. It is inscribed with "XOXO" and came with a small card with the following poem:

Christmas Hugs & Kisses

Please don't be sad
Now that we're far apart,
Celebrate Christmas
With me in your heart.
Our best Christmas ever
Is still yet to come,
For Heaven is where
The first Christmas is from.
And so I look forward
To when you'll be free
To spend your first Christmas
In Heaven with me.
I'm waiting with angels,
And until that day,
I'll keep sending my hugs
And kisses your way.

A Mother's Song

2009-10-13T14:45:00.000-06:00

I used to hold your hand,
Now I hold on to hope
That I'll see you again some day.
Knowing that you're still mine
Has helped me to cope
Now that you're gone away.

Too lovely, too pure
To stand this world of sin.
So God called you home
To live safely with him.
While it's true, I miss you,
I know I'll see you again.
And if I live faithfully
I can raise you then.

Through sacred priesthood powers
We have all been sealed
As a family forever.
When I see you again
My heart will be healed
And we'll be together.

Too lovely, too pure
To stand this world of sin.
So God called you home
To live safely with him.
While it's true, I miss you,
I know I'll see you again.
And if I live faithfully,
I can raise you then.

I know while I'm still here
God will take care of you
As you're waiting for me.
I know I must work hard.
I know I must stay true,
So you'll be mine for eternity.

Too lovely, too pure
To stand this world of sin.
So God called you home
To live safely with him.
While it's true, I miss you,
I know I'll see you again.
And if I live faithfully
I can raise you then.

I know God has a plan.
I must do what I can
To return home to him.
I know you're in his care.
I know I'll find you there
When I come home to him.

Riley and Mommy

2009-10-05T23:23:00.001-06:00

4 Months!

2009-10-05T23:16:00.003-06:00

Weight: 15 lbs, 3 oz (57th percentile)
Length: 25 in (72nd percentile)

He's starting to really try to crawl, but still can't seem to get the hang of it

3 Months!

2009-09-05T23:13:00.000-06:00

1 Year Anniversary!! - August 29

2009-08-31T23:08:00.002-06:00

To celebrate our first year of marriage, we went to the Mount Timpanogos Temple, where we were married. We then went to lunch at Los Hermanos. I think we were gone for 5 or 6 hours, and it felt so weird to be away from Riley for that long. But it was wonderful to spend time together, just the two of us.

Graduation - August 14

2009-08-20T23:03:00.000-06:00

2 Months!

2009-08-03T22:54:00.000-06:00

Weight: 13 lbs (95th percentile)
Length: 23.5 in (75th percentile)

First Smile!!

2009-07-05T22:58:00.000-06:00

1 Month!

2009-07-05T22:51:00.000-06:00

Welcome Riley!!

2009-06-19T16:24:00.002-06:00

I'm happy to announce the birth of our son, Riley Allen Lund!

Monday, June 1, 2009
6:25 pm
9 lbs, 7 oz
21 1/2 inches

These first few weeks have been so special, getting to know the sweet spirit that God has entrusted to our care. He's super mellow and loves to cuddle. Oh, and boy does that boy eat! At his two week check-up, he weighed 9 lbs, 14.5 oz! He's a big, healthy baby in the 90th percentile for both weight and height.

It's such an amazing feeling to look at my new little son and know that he will be ours forever. From the moment he was born, I was just filled with an all-consuming love for him, and I can't imagine going through life without knowing that families can be together forever. Riley is such a blessing in my life. Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to get married and have a family. I have such an amazing husband, and I have no doubts that our little Riley was waiting and ready to join us.

I am so grateful we live in a day and age with so much medical knowledge and ability. There were enough complications with my pregnancy and delivery that I wouldn't have survived if I had lived a hundred years ago. It's very sobering for me to think about all the women who have died in childbirth. I could very easily have joined their ranks if not for modern medicine. I hope I never take for granted the blessing of my life and the opportunity that my husband and I have to raise our son.

Sure it's hard waking up every other hour when he wants to eat. And nobody ever dreams about the mountain of dirty diapers that need to be changed. But when he snuggles up against me, when he looks up at me with his big brown eyes, when he smiles- I know it's all worth it. I know that I would do anything for my son and that I'll love him forever.

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-27T15:05:00.006-06:00

My family came up to visit for Memorial Day weekend. They got here Saturday evening and left Tuesday afternoon. I wish they could have stayed longer. We were hoping I would have the baby while they were up here, but no such luck. Still, we had a lot of fun with them, especially with my baby sister Emma. I guess she's not really a baby anymore. She's getting so big, and she's so smart. She gets a lot of things that other four-year-olds don't. It was so cute they way she would put her little hands on my belly and talk to the baby. And at night she would give my belly a kiss and say "Good night, Baby!" She's so adorable and I love her so much. There's a 17-year gap between us, but we're very close. She looks up to me, and I just love her so much. It always makes me sad when we have to say goodbye. She cried too. I wish my family lived closer. Emma loves Jeffrey too, and I love watching them play together. It confirms to me just how wonderful a dad Jeffrey is going to be.

On that note, I went to the doctor's today. Tomorrow is my due date, and my body is still 0% ready to go into labor. They will start monitoring the baby to make sure everything is okay, and to see if they will have to induce me. As long as everything looks fine, they'll let me go for another week or two (having me go in for monitoring twice a week). I'm really hoping they find a reason to induce me soon, since I just don't think this baby is going to come out on his own. But we'll find out soon enough, I'm sure.

Anticipation

2009-05-22T11:10:00.003-06:00

You know that feeling when you're a kid and it's almost Christmas and you're so excited because you just know that the big present with the shiny green wrapping paper is the one you've been hoping for and dreaming about forever and it's just days away from really being yours? And you know how you try everything in your power to make the days go faster? Well, I feel like that. Except it's a lot stronger of a feeling because 1)I've been waiting for this particular baby for 9 months, and waiting to be a wife and mommy since I was four years old; 2) I'm not waiting for some gift that is going to get old and replaced by the next new craze, I'm waiting for my son who I will care for and love forever; 3)I don't even know what day he's coming, so every day I wake up hoping it will be that day, and every night I go to bed a little bummed that it wasn't. I'm just so excited to be a mommy, to meet my son, to hold him in my arms, to kiss him and tell him I love him.

Plus, I'm pretty sure the doctor has my due date wrong. I know, lots of women probably say this, and the doctor is probably right most of the time. But the due date just doesn't match up with certain dates that I know with certainty. In fact, the due date they gave me is about a week later than all the rest of the dates say I should be due. Which means I would have already hit 40 weeks. No wonder I'm so eager for him to come. I'm just worried that he's going to be stubborn and not come, and that they'll induce me a week after my due date (which in my book, will be two weeks after the time he should be born). I know a lot of babies are late, but two weeks is a lot! I just wish he would come already.

First Mother's Day

2009-05-11T14:56:00.003-06:00

Well, even though our little baby hasn't come yet, I convinced Jeffrey that Mother's Day included me this year. I mean, after all, I DO have a child, it's just that he's still stuck in my belly. But we're at 37 weeks, so he could really come any day now.

Anyway, Jeffrey was so super sweet and got me a beautiful bouquet and a very sweet card. The ward also gave fudge to all the sisters, which was pretty sweet (pun intended). It was a great first Mother's Day for me, and now all I have to do is wait for our little baby to come! I hope he comes soon, but he seems perfectly content to stay where he is, so we'll see!

Reflections on Transitioning

2009-05-01T11:16:00.003-06:00

Well, Jeffrey and I have entered a rather interesting point in our lives. Last week, I finished up my last semester at BYU. I don't technically graduate until August, since I still have to take Biology 100 this summer, but I'm basically done. It's kind of a weird feeling. I mean, the last 16 years of my life have been predominantly focused on schooling. I've also spent the last 5 years working at some job or another. And today is my last day at work. At 5pm today, I will be catapulted into an entirely new way of life. No more all-nighters trying to finish up papers and projects. No more stressing about grades (I really only have to get a D in biology, but considering the class, I think I'll be able to do much better than that without even breaking a sweat). No more sitting behind a desk, answering phones and making copies. No more having to be somewhere at 8 every morning. My new focus will be becoming the best wife, mother, friend, person I can be. I'm now 36 weeks pregnant, which means that the baby could really come at any time now, and it wouldn't be that big of a surprise. I probably still have a few weeks, but there's just no way to tell. All Jeffrey and I can do for now is get the house ready, and keep trying to be better people so that we can be as prepared as possible to be good parents. And sometime in the next month, our baby will be born and our lives will change forever. We will become something that neither of us has ever been before: parents.

I've been reflecting a lot on this new role I will be filling. I guess I have all the same feelings any first-time parent has. Extreme joy and excitedness. But at the same time, doubts and anxiety. Will I be a good mother? How will I know how to meet my child's physical, emotional, spiritual needs? Will I be capable of meeting these needs? How will I know everything I'm supposed to do? What if I'm not good at it? I try not to let these kinds of things worry me too much, after all, nobody who becomes a parent for the first time knows the answers to these questions. I guess it's just something I'll have to learn along the way. But these thoughts have really made me think about our different roles and capacities. Before coming to this world, we spent an eternity as sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. We were students, learning as much as we could. We were friends and companions to others. But never before were we parents. Getting married is something new too, but I see it as a glorified form of friendship. My husband is my very best friend. We help each other, we encourage each other, we depend on each other, we love each other. All my other friendships have helped prepare me for this ultimate friendship with my husband and eternal companion. But what of parenthood? What preparation does anyone have for this? Sure it helps to have younger siblings who you help take care of. But I'm beginning to understand the magnitude of responsibility parents have to their children. I don't feel I could ever be prepared enough, but I know I must be as prepared as I can be.

I will be my children's first teacher. If I want them to know something is true and important, it must be a part of my life. I will no longer be responsible just for myself, but for all the spirits who will be sent to our family. I am so excited to have a son. I want him to grow up to be the best person he can be. This means that I need to be the best person I can be. Instead of feeling overwhelmed and frightened, I feel motivated and I desire to improve myself in every way that I can. I already love our little baby so much, and I can only imagine how much joy and love will fill my heart when I hold him in my arms for the first time.

I feel like I'm ending a long chapter in my life that will always bring me happy memories. And I'm moving on to a new, exciting chapter full of mysteries and unknowns. I'm excited to see where life takes us, and I'm so very excited to be a mother! I may not know what the future holds in store, but I know that we have the power to make it wonderful and that God will be there with us every step of the way.

Jungle Baby!

2009-04-22T22:10:00.003-06:00

Since we live in on-campus housing, we're not allowed to paint the room or put nails in the wall to hang things. What we can do is hang up paper decorations using poster tack or other removable adhesive. So, I decided that I wanted to make some decorations for Baby's room using my awesome drawing and coloring skills. After much contemplation, I decided to go with a jungle theme. Because, hey, animals are a lot cuter than cars and airplanes. And who says transportation vehicles are cute baby decorations anyway? They show up so much on baby boy things, but why? Anyway, here are the pictures of the decorations I made. I drew them, colored them, cut them out, laminated them, then cut them out again. But I must admit, these are not the products of my own creativity. I had to look up some help online. But once I found them, I did draw these on my own. And I totally did the coloring scheme all by myself (okay, I admit, it's not that hard to pick green for crocodiles, or orange and black for tigers). Yay for inexpensive, homemade decorations!

Baby Bump!

2009-04-22T13:01:00.005-06:00

Well, I thought it would be fun to see how I (and Baby) have grown over the past few months. Sadly enough, you'll also see how my face has gotten rounder and how I look more and more tired with each picture! Well, the first (red shirt) is at 11 weeks. There's not really a bump yet, but I looked so energetic! The second picture (purple shirt) is at 16 weeks. I was just starting to show, but it was only obvious to people who knew. Notice how I look just a little bit more tired? The next picture (green picture) is at 22 weeks. I hit the point where people were sure enough that I was pregnant that they started asking me when I was due. I really wanted to tell someone that I wasn't pregnant, just to see what their reaction would be, but I knew I could never keep a straight face. So I never played that trick on anyone. The fourth picture (black dress) is at 31 weeks. I did my hair and makeup that day, so I didn't look quite so tired. But look at that belly bump! The last picture (black dress) is at 34 weeks. I just took it a week ago. I look exhausted in it! And my face is so round. *sigh* But I'm wearing the same dress as I did at 31 weeks, so you can see how much I've grown in just three weeks. That baby is getting big, and he's getting ready to come. Sometimes I feel like he's trying to kick his way out!

Well, Baby's due date is five weeks away, and I'll have to remember to take more pictures from here on out. He's supposed to be gaining a half a pound each week, so I'll keep getting bigger until he finally comes. I feel like he's going to come early, but we'll have to wait and see!

The Best Weekend Ever

2009-04-13T14:11:00.004-06:00

Well, on Saturday, April 11, I turned 21. Hurray for birthdays! We started the celebrations on Friday by going to Red Robin for dinner. I had a birthday coupon for a free burger, so it was a pretty sweet deal. After taking full advantage of their bottomless fries, we headed back home and stopped by Dairy Queen on the way. We were actually stuffed, but I had a birthday coupon for a free Blizzard, so we had to redeem that! I got a midnight truffle Blizzard, and Jeffrey' got a Reese's one. We just stuck them in the freezer when we got home. We worked on lots of homework because I forbade all schoolwork from being done on my birthday. Then we cuddled and read our books for a while. We're both reading the Sword of Truth series, but we're on different books, so we can read at the same time. A few months ago, we were on the same book, and it was always amusing to see who would get to the book first and how the other one would trick them into putting it down. Lately, Jeffrey has been trying to catch up to me so we can go through that again. Silly boy. Well, at midnight he was the first one to wish me happy birthday and gave me my present. It's a two-inch thick book of flute music. It was the best gift ever.

On Saturday, we slept in (probably the second best gift ever). Then we went grocery shopping - not the most exciting birthday activity, but definitely necessary. We came home and read for a little while before going to a family Easter get-together at Jeffrey's aunt's house. It was fun to be with family, and we had a great dinner. After that, we went to the Divine Comedy end-of-the-year show where they perform their funniest skits from the year. We went to the show last year for my birthday, so it's kind of like a tradition for us now. They even gave us early admission passes since they didn't want to make the poor pregnant lady stand in line. It was pretty sweet. The show was awesome and hilarious, and I can't wait until next year. We caught more glow sticks than last time, but I think next year, I'm just going to buy a bunch before going. That way I can be all decked out for the show. Anyway, after the show, we came home and watched a movie (Taken), then cuddled and read some more. Jeffrey made this great contraption to turn off the light without getting out of bed. It involves a bungee cord, a broom, a couple of cardboard boxes, and a throw pillow. It made me laugh.

Sunday was Easter, but we didn't really do anything special. We went to church and sang in the choir (I am the new choir president, so now we have to go). After church, Jeffrey had to stay to get training as a new assistant ward clerk, so I went home and made dinner. Nothing fancy - just some pasta with ground beef and a sauce made from cream of mushroom soup and cheddar cheese. Jeffrey got home and we ate dinner, then we both worked on some religion projects we had to do for today. I took lots of breaks to play some of my new flute music.

Well, that was our weekend. I still want to color eggs, because I think it's such a fun part of Easter. So maybe we'll do that this week since tomorrow is our last day of classes. Oh, and we start prenatal classes tonight. I'm excited, because it means we're getting close!!! Only 6 1/2 weeks to go!

I loved this talk from Brother Huntsman's article in this month's Ensign. I think it's a great thing to think about during this Easter season:

All four Gospels begin the account of the Resurrection with the empty tomb. The angels' query to the women, "Why seek ye the living among the dead?" (Luke 24:5) continues to be a question that confronts us today, for we must find the living Christ not just in the pages of history or even the scriptures but also through the Holy Spirit in our lives.

Another quote I love is from President Hinckley in December of 2000:

There would be no Christmas if there had not been Easter. The babe Jesus of Bethlehem would be but another baby without the redeeming Christ of Gethsemane and Calvary, and the triumphant fact of the Resurrection.

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter, and may you keep the spirit of Christ with you always!

One Year of Togetherness!!!

2009-03-16T13:59:00.002-06:00

On Saturday, 3/14 (aka Pi Day), Jeffrey and I celebrated the one-year mark from our first date. We pretty much knew at that point that we were going to be more than friends, even if it took us 4 days to make it official. Jeffrey took me to Brazil Brasil (a cute little Brazilian restaurant) because on our first date we made feijoada (a very delicious Brazilian dish). We didn't actually order dinner there, just ate a few coxinhas to whet our appetites. Then we went to the Malt Shoppe - one of our favorite restaurants since they have such awesome shakes. Then we went home and watched a couple movies. I don't think either of us thought of this at the time, but it was like our first date too. You see, after the group date we went on, we decided to watch a movie at my place (because I thought he was super cute and fun and wanted to spend more time with him, and I guess he felt the same way about me!) Oh yeah, and in case you didn't know, our first date was a blind date. Hehe!

My Sweet Baby Sister

2009-02-17T13:33:00.003-07:00

Today is my little sister's birthday and she is turning 4! She is so adorable, I just wish we lived closer so I could see her more than twice a year. But I talk to her on the phone a lot, and we're really close, even though there is obviously a huge age difference. These are some pictures I've taken over the past few months. The first one is from New Years when I taught her how to pose for pictures. Hehe. She's so cute. The second picture is the two of us with our mom on my wedding day. It was so cute how she kept saying that when she is big like sissy (that's what she calls me), she's going to marry a return missionary in the temple. The third picture is from last June when Jeffrey met my family for the first time. My parents took our engagement pictures, and Emma snuck into a few of them. She absolutely adores Jeffrey, and it's just so cute.

The Past Month and a Half

2009-01-22T12:38:00.005-07:00

Okay, so I'm horrible at keeping this thing up to date, but I'll try to remember everything that's happened lately.

Baby News

First things first, we found out that we are having a boy! After a long debate, we finally came to an agreement on a name. But we thought we'd bug everybody and keep it a secret until the baby is born. Just for those curious, the runner up name was Edward Allen Lund. We might still use that in the future, but not this time. He's kicking and moving and I really have a baby bump now (people have started asking me when I'm due, so I guess I look prego for real). Unfortunately, with my growing belly I now only have 5 or so shirts that fit me. I guess it's time to go shopping soon!

Family Time

White Christmas in Sammamish

Well, we had a wonderful Christmas vacation with family. We left for Washington on December 21 (the day after my best friend's wedding). We had quite the experience trying to get to Washington, since the weather in Seattle was horrible. After waiting around the airport for over 5 hours (the Seattle airport called a freeze on all in-coming flights) we were finally able to board our plane. The flight was uneventful, and we got extra snacks as compensation for the delay, but once we got to Seattle, we had to circle around the airport several times while waiting for the wind and ice conditions to get better. Finally we were able to land, and it took another half hour to get a gate. Jeffrey's parents were there to pick us up, and while we were waiting for our luggage we heard an announcement that all the remaining flights in and out of Seattle were cancelled for the day. We later found out that our plane was 1 of only 7 that were able to land. Talk about blessings.

This was my first time going to Washington with Jeffrey, and he has always told me about how much it rains there. He told me that sometimes they got snow, but it rarely stuck, and when it did, it never stayed more than a day or two. Not this year. Apparently, I got to experience Washington in the middle of its worst snow storm in twelve years. I also got to experience the snowiest Seattle Christmas since the 1940's. It was very beautiful, and my first white Christmas ever, but after being stuck in the house for a week (they don't have enough snow plows to make the streets safe when they have a snow storm), I was ready to get out.

It was wonderful spending Christmas with Jeffrey's family, and I know he enjoyed it because he spent the last two Christmases in Brazil. We got a lot of stuff for Baby, even though we didn't know yet if we were having a boy or girl. We had almost an entire suitcase full of blankets, clothes, books, and toys for Baby.

New Years on the California Coast

It was great to be down in beautiful, warm, sunny California - especially after all that snow in Washington! We mostly just hung out with my parents and my cute baby sister Emma. We watched several movies, went to Olvera Street, and played with my mom's new Wii. On New Year's Eve, I had to keep poking Jeffrey to keep him awake so I could get my New Year's kiss at midnight! I loved just spending time with my family, even if we didn't go out and do lots of things worth writing about.

Thanksgiving

2008-12-02T17:06:00.006-07:00

Well, we had a great time over the break. We went to Idaho to spend the vacation with my dad and his family. It was good to see my brothers and sisters, and especially my cute little nephew. While we were in Idaho, we saw Twilight (I loved it, and Jeffrey was sweet enough to go with me). Thanks- giving dinner was great. In addition to all the traditional goodness, we also had prime rib. I guess they do that in Idaho. We got all our Christmas shopping done on Black Friday- but we went later on in the day, so the store wasn't really crowded anymore. On Saturday we got to go to the Boise Temple. That was a wonderful experience. We drove back to Provo on Sunday, and now we're just back to work and school, trying to finish up the semester. We're really looking forward to Christmas in Washington and New Year's in California.